The 80s offered a range of ways to stay thin, from getting into the groove with Richard Simmons' Saturday morning workouts, to doing cocaine off your Soloflex, because what else were you going to do with it? Take your weight and wallet back in time, at Retro Fitness.
A "modern gym with a retro price" RF's a 14ksqft exercise nexus that's totally 80s, thanks to a "Cardio Theater" showing 80s flicks as you work out, a huge Nintendo-fireball wall graphic, and loudspeakers blaring 80s hits, filled with dozens of (2010-era) strength training machines & cardio equipment, all available for as low as $10 a month --a Peerless Price that you'll actually like. Members get access to 30k+ pounds of free weights, plus all them cardio devices, equipped w/ DirecTV flat screens (w/ Sunday Ticket!); similarly cheap personal trainers include former Hawks/Falcons cheerleaders and 2012 Olympics trainees, who'll give you a fitness assessment then start you on your appropriate level of circuit training, not to be confused with Short Circuit training, in which Los Locos kick your ass even more than those Olympic trainees. That private theater's got two rows of cardio 'chines, staying dimly lit and five degrees cooler, and every morning they fire up a new movie they run the whole damn day, including stuff like Rocky and Ferris Bueller, which'll inspire you to say to pushy equipment-users, "If you touch me, I yell fat".
A VIP membership gets you unlimited tanning, endless guest passes, and 20% off the smoothie bar (plus chiropractic/massage services coming soon). In the meantime, hit "Retro Blends" for fruit-pureed protein bevvies like the calorie-burning, orange-y Slim Sicle filled with "Fat Loss Boost" and protein powder -- any of which are a better way to stay hydrated than your water bottle, unless you're committed to Sweating to the Moldies.