Brian Flanagan=You

Any good barkeep would agree that bartending school is pretty worthless; they charge a bunch of money, coach you on dumb drinks nobody orders, and don't even teach you the lyrics to "Kokomo"! Removing the bs and getting all next-level, Sling Kings.

Just started by Opera's head bartender, Kings is a two-week booze boot camp that turns you into a stone-cold, cash-raking bar pimp via cocktail skills, insider insights on both the art and business of dealing hooch, copious tutelage on showmanship, and a really good fake-job story to tell your parents, now that you've been fired for spending two weeks at a bar boot camp. Things kick off with three-hour daily classes at Opera, where they'll equip you with a small arsenal of bar toolery (bar key, shaker tins, mixing glass, etc); basic learnin' begins with perfect free-pouring, seamless two-hand pours, plus speed/high volume training, all while picking up cool historic booze factoids to share with your enraptured customers, like how the founder of Paul Mitchell hair products created Patron in the back of a station wagon, and the story behind the Bacardi bat logo (because nobody'll buy vampire booze, silly). Things then get serious, as you master flashy tricks like spinning shakers & rolling 'em down your arm, tossing glasses behind your head (and hopefully catching them), using a speed bottle opener to furiously pop caps and bat 'em into the trash mid-air, and even how to wing cocktail napkins and hit a person as far as six feet away, which nets you significantly better tips than doing it with loogies.

The idea's to get you sick-nasty enough to work at a place where you could earn $250-plus per shift; aiding that, you'll receive a letter of recommendation upon graduation, plus you get a night at Opera with all your tips, which unlike Doug Coughlin's, won't lead you to cheat on Gina Gershon, only to ruin your life by knocking up Elisabeth Shue with twins.