These days being cool takes an enormous amount of time and energy, but between a full-time job and all those CSIs, who has the bandwidth to read music blogs or scour thrift stores -- especially when Dillard's has everything? Providing you a cheat-sheet for the alternative scene, Hipster Tutors
The skinny-jean brainchild of a pair of party-photog Williamsburg expats, HT is a time-saving, in-home crash course designed to help you fully immerse yourself in hipster culture, or at least make yourself that square whose glimmers of with-it-ness cause hipster pack-leaders to say, "Calm down, Milo, this one's all right".
After a consultation to assess the severity of your ignorance, your coach will provide you background context on the counterculture movements of the '70s and '80s (tracing the style lineage between glam, mod, and punk), then bring you up to speed on recent hype-machine bangers before eventually making his way to cliff notes on contemporary art and postmodern-cool lit: Foer, Klosterman, Ellis, and Burgess, but not Pynchon, because everyone knows that Inherent Vice inherently sucked.
Eat balls, Thomas Pynchon. After the foundation's laid, HT will help you look the part, using American Apparel connects to let you in on next season's items early, and similar contacts at Saver's and the Goodwill at Oak Knoll, whose employees routinely set them aside the best stuff, saving you from digging through mountains of mildly ironic Yes t-shirts to find that mega-ironic "Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe" -- a splinter band that grew tired of Yes' 1980s direction, and probably should've just named themselves "No"
Once you're good and ready, HT will actually take you out on the town and casually introduce you to the scene's movers and shakers -- just don't let some alt-babe spy a Dillard's holdover, or your face will be known by the trail of red.