Food & Drink

Kabaret Room

There's no better cinematic sequence than when the long-neglected nerdy girl turns herself into a hot piece of tail -- though if such a sequence is present, then every other sequence invariably sucks, so thank god for Not Another Teen Movie. Now, a long-neglected backroom's delightfully tarting itself up: Kabaret Room at Speakeasy, opening tomorrow

In the exposed-brick, dark-woodwork, mezzanine-equipped parlor that until a year ago was The Music Lounge (but for months has been the Nothing Lounge), Speakeasy's created an unabashedly sex-themed space accessible via a back-alley entrance, providing an exclusive thrill typically only experienced by guys who deliver fish to restaurants.

The naughty's fleshed out with red leather couches, illuminated cabaret swings, red-glowing crystal chandeliers, and blurred-privates projections of vintage burlesque and 1970s skin flicks; meanwhile, deep-to-progressive house music'll be pumped out by nationally recognized spinners like DJ Jonene, Christian Barbuto, and J.A.M.O.N. (I moan, you moan, we all moan for J.A.M.O.N.).

As for hooch, get yourself the Woodford-blessed "Duke", and your date/any random, lonely looking woman either the Come What May (Grey Goose, Disaronno, simple syrup, fresh lemon juice) or the rum, OJ, cran & Red Bull combo named after 1930s striptease goddess Gypsy Rose Lee (so, Red Bull gives you syphiliiiiiiis!).

To ensure tomorrow's launch party is suitably attractive, until 10:30 they'll be admitting only women, and letting said women drink copious amounts for free -- about the only way to turn a guy like you into a hot piece of tail.