BatchSlap

In this, the Year of Our Lord Chris Harrison 2017, every day feels like we’re inching -- or long-jumping, depending on the news cycle -- closer to the end of the world.

The main point of Fantasy Suite is to keep a little old man named Hans, who handcrafts ornate Victorian-style keys, in business for one more year.

Every time I watch The Bachelor, or talk about The Bachelor, or look at other people across a crowded train platform and just KNOW they're thinking about The Bachelor, and almost go up to them to discuss it but don't, I get scared.

Welcome back once more to BatchSlap, the wonderful place where every week presents a fresh chance for someone to dump a vodka soda onto someone else's hair for the opportunity to have sex with Nick Viall in a hot tub attached to a stretch Hummer limousine.

Read our live recap of The Bachelor Season 21 premiere that will update throughout the night!

Last night there was, once again, Chad.

Read our live recap of The Bachelor 2017 premiere that will update throughout the night!

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night from a nightmare in which Chad was your personal trainer, and he punished you with eternal exercise?

Last week, The Bachelorette teased us with previews of Chad returning to detach guys' noses from their faces, and possibly re-attach them to other guys' faces.

It's completely possible that there has never been a Bachelorette antihero quite so wonderful as Chad.

Welcome back to TheChad-lorette.

Let's get one thing established right out front.