F*** You, Penguin
From the recent proliferation of emoticon-toting kitty-cats to the boastful, cocksure arrogance of McGruff the Crime Dog telling you how to live your life, animals have been asking for it for a while. Finally putting them in their place, F*** You, Penguin.From a Boston-based freelancer who "isn't quite sure why exactly he started it", FUP's a blog designed to tell "cute animals what's what" by boldly attacking them for having the audacity to be photographed in aesthetically pleasing or, worse, delightfully dainty positions. Some choice diatribes: Cow Peeking Out From Behind a Tree: "Cow, what the hell do you think you are doing hiding behind that tree? You do realize you are a cow, right? It's not likely that you are going to be able to keep a low profile, seeing as cows are so large that they are a metaphor for fat people."A Strange Looking, Potentially Angry Dog: "What the hell, Dog? Like I'm not good enough for you. I have 6,000 friends on Facebook! YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE YOUR PAWS WOULD MAKE TYPING IMPOSSIBLY AWKWARD. I am a cool person...I even met Samuel L. Jackson, and I was totally like 'Hey, what's going on, oh, you're in movies?'"A Meerkat Clinging to a Camera on a Tripod: Oh my God, you little highly social jerk off. It's not enough that you get your OWN F***ING SHOW, you have to be Ansel f***ing Adams with the camera...Guess what, Meerkat? NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR POOR USE OF NEGATIVE SPACE.If you'd like to affirm your anti-animal support, the newly opened e-store has tees, hats, and hoodies featuring lambasted cranes, puffins, and a range of escalatingly vulgar penguin shirts -- tees so cool, they'll inevitably be stolen, leaving you longing for McGruff's beautiful toothy dream.