Wine pairing advice is traditionally limited to gourmet food -- but what are you supposed to get wasted on when you're eating your typical meal of "#42, with chicken"? We asked Shubie's honchette Anne Semple to pair delicious vinos (all $15 or less) with all manner of takeout goodness. Here's the lowdown:
Steak Burrito: To really bring out the flavor of the meat Anne endorses a "nice, hearty, full bodied and rich Cabernet". Wait, isn't that your profile on eHarmony?
What to ask for at the Wine Shop: Sawbuck Cabernet Sauvignon (Cali)
Cheese Pizza: Boring losers would break out the Chianti. Since you're not one of those, Anne says go with a Sangiovese, because "it's juicy, soft and crowd pleasingly easy to drink," like a Chianti that people actually call back.
Ask for: "Ali" Sangiovese di Toscana (Italy)
General Tso's Chicken: To cut through the heat, Anne counsels the "crisp, bright woodsy spice" of a Gewurztraminer, a wine whose bold deliciousness is stymied only by its tongue-crippling name.
Inquire about: Chateau Ste Michelle Gewurztraminer (Washington)
California Rolls: Avoid overwhelming the delicate flavors in sushi by choosing a "light" Sauvignon Blanc from France. Anne says French SBs are "crisp and refreshing and light in weight with a citrus lemon style", i.e., a Citrus Cooler Gatorade that makes you more handsome.
Politely request: Lafite Speciale Bordeaux Blanc (France)
Buffalo Wings: These hand-staining beauties need a Malbec, the "younger brother of a Cabernet", which provides "Argentinean earth and spice without being weighty". Like Diego Maradona, pre-cocaine.
Aggressively demand: Alamos Malbec (Argentina)
Gyro: To counter the delectable Greekiness of lamb, yogurt sauce et fixins, Anne recommends a "bright and soft, but never buttery" Chardonnay. She says unoaked Chard's are trendy right now, and, frankly, who the hell are you to argue?
Hand a note to the cashier soliciting: Novellum Chardonnay (France)
Ice Cream: To celebrate your expanded pairing horizons, match up Ben & Jerry's with a ruby Port, as its "deep dark flavors and rich style" mix perfectly with dessert. The label may say "Chubby Hubby", but don't be fooled: you're just a fat single guy, havin' a ball with a bottle of port and a pint of 'scream.
Choose: Ramos Pintos Collector Port (Portugal)