The 27 People You See At Every Racetrack
No matter where you are, you'll always find some universal constants in your life. And nowhere is this better exemplified than around racetracks. If you spend enough time hanging out trackside, you’ve certainly met almost every single one of these 27 people.
1. The Conga Line Leader
He’s slow, but he also doesn’t believe in checking his mirrors, so he has no clue he’s holding everyone else up. Usually identified as the guy in the new Corvette/Camaro/Mustang with a chain of cars bunched up behind him.
2. Mr. "It Wasn't My Fault"
Whether there’s a phantom oil slick that no one else can seem to find, or his left rear tire is all of 1.5 PSI low (see the video above), there’s always some reason he’s about to spin or crash. Contrary to what he may think, he is that reason.
3. The Vincent Chase
This is his first or second time at a racetrack and you know what? He’s racing today. And he brought along the whole squad to watch it happen. He’ll quickly turn into Mr. "It's Not My Fault" when he realizes he’s one of the slower guys out there.
4. The Cool Grandpa
He seems to know everyone, since he’s been hanging out at tracks for 25 years. Still, despite having an encyclopedic knowledge of the track and a collection of stories perfect for happy hour, he never actually gets out on the track.
5. The Speed Racer
Whether or not he’s at an actual race, he’s going to pass as many people as possible because he’s got a point to make: He’s faster than you.
6. The Inexplicably Rich Guy
You know exactly what he does for a living, and therefore how much he should be making. Still, he shows up with a brand new truck that he bought only so he could tow his 911 GT3 to the track...and he’s in a different car every time you see him.
7. The Recent Retiree
After 40 years of commodities trading or practicing law, he’s retired and ready to finally do the one thing he really wants. He knows he’s not the fastest guy out there but he also knows if he works hard enough, he’ll be close. Really, he’s there for fun.
8. The Hot Shoe
He’s probably the fastest guy there. Probably. He knows it though, and it’s his mission in life to make sure everyone else knows it, too. He brags about how slow his car is compared to everyone else's, because that just proves how fast he is.
9. The Bragger Who Has No Idea What He's Talking About
“This is a $300,000 supercar, man. I’m running 600 hp, and it’s the most powerful car in this group. I’m going to be held up by everyone out there!” He's adamant that he knows what he’s doing and never needs instruction. It’s extremely satisfying passing this guy. Then lapping him.
10. The DIY Doyen
This guy can seemingly swap out his entire suspension in less time than it takes you to check your tire pressure. He probably built every performance part from scratch, too. That snazzy new carbon fiber hood you bought? Yeah, he would’ve just made his own in the basement. In less than a week. During his lunch breaks.
11. The GQ Gentleman
Unless you're actually racing, you don't need a thousand dollars' worth of fireproof gear, but this guy's suited up anyway. He’s standing around in a professional-caliber fireproof race suit that matches his custom-painted helmet and his racing gloves. He’s outfitted with as much gear as the Stig, and he’s only just graduated from the novice group.
12. The Ferrari Fanboy
It doesn’t matter if it’s Oakley sunglasses and Piloti shoes, or if he's dressed head to toe in a Ferrari hat, Ferrari jacket and Ferrari x Puma shoes—he couldn’t look cheesier if he said he has "the need for speed,” while putting on a pair of aviators and climbing into his car.
13. The Adrenaline Junkie
He’s never driven on a track before, but he skydives every Tuesday just to smell the fresh air at 15,000 feet, so he has no fear of the 800 hp beast he’s brought with him. He pulls out of the pits in a cloud of smoke, then proceeds to hit the tire barrier three turns later, still in a cloud of smoke.
14. The Cocky Instructor
He’ll sit there and tell you where you were being too aggressive on track, then completely ignore his own advice. He can be seen angrily watching as his car’s pulled out from the same tire barrier that Fearless Guy hit.
15. The Free Track Time Teacher
Closely related to the cocky dude, he’s only here because someone offered him free track time in exchange for him teaching some novices how to get around the course. All he cares about is making sure you’re not gonna crash, so he can go play.
16. The Bookworm
He’s read every book there is on driving fast. He knows the theory, and can tell you everything about slip angles and advanced driving techniques...but he's only spent a couple of days at the track.
17. The Dude In A Borrowed Car
It’s underpowered and on crappy all-season tires. He’ll say he’s not trying to drive fast, because his wife would kill him if he crashed it. Then he’ll brag about how much smoke is coming from the brakes after he comes back in.
18. The Traffic Complainer
“I just couldn’t get a fast lap. There’s so much traffic. I need to be in a faster run group. That train of cars behind me was really annoying in my mirrors the entire time."
19. The Rolling Chicane
He's moving up in the world. He used to be the Conga Line Leader, but now he knows to check his mirrors and let people pass him. He's still horribly, horribly slow though, and you definitely do not want to be stuck behind him in line.
20. The Miata Master
Yeah, his car has no power, but he’ll drive the damn wheels off of it. He’s absolutely uninterested in talking about your car, and isn’t impressed with anything you can do behind the wheel. If you ask him for advice, you’ll get an answer that’s three or four levels above your head, which makes his speed seem even more mystical.
21. The Lemon Legend
In theory, it's the perfect $500 crapcan race car, but it’ll leak a quart of oil every time it's shut off. When someone questions the car’s safety, the driver swears it seals up once the engine gets hot, and that nothing ever leaks when driving. Out on track, it's immediately enveloped by a cloud of blue oil smoke. Mr. "It's Not My Fault" from above will never admit it, but he secretly loves The Lemon Legend for corroborating his story.
22. The Man Who Knows No Rules
“What do you mean my moped helmet doesn’t count as a helmet? The DOT says it's perfectly safe!”
This guy. Enough said.
24. The Woman
She shows up at an event where women are outnumbered 30 or more to one, keeps her head down, and learns the course. She's not here to make any friends or impress anyone, but she winds up doing both.
25.The GoPro-Happy Amateur Filmmaker
He’s more concerned about the positioning of his 19 cameras than he is about the positioning of his car on track. Inexplicably, he’s not sponsored by GoPro. This is what happens to the Vincent Chase when his friends stop coming with him to track events. He’s still gotta show everyone something, right?! RIGHT?!?
26. The Data Nerd
He justifies spending serious cash on a data acquisition system for his car under the guise of learning how to be a better driver. Really, though, all he wants to do is post the flashiest videos possible to YouTube.
27. The Top Speed Junkie
“I hit 132 mph that time!” He has no idea what gear he was in, and worse, is so focused on the speedometer that he has no clue where the braking point is. He’ll laugh off the fact that he went straight off the track, then discretely sneak off to change his underwear.