Cars

What Would Jesus Drive? Ranking The Bible's Best Cars

Apparently, some insightful people on the internets have figured out that cars did, in fact, exist in biblical times. Any BMW enthusiast will tell you that the 1980s-era 3 Series was God's Chariot, but evidently Jesus cruised around in a Honda Accord. With that in mind, we sussed out the cars mentioned in the Bible, and ranked them. No, Tim Tebow's Thunderbird didn't make the cut, just like it's old owner.

10.Peter 2:17,Dry springs and mists are "driven by a Storm, for whom the black darkness has been reserved."
Whoever wrote that line clearly had intimate knowledge of the black darkness of living with the Isuzu-made, GM-sold Geo Storm on a daily basis.

9.Deuteronomy 16:10, And thou shalt keep the feast of weeks unto the lord thy God with a Tribute.
Not to knock the Mazda Tribute — it was a fine vehicle and sister car to the Ford Escape, but you're paying too much if you've got more money than God and still have to skip meals to make your payment.

8.Exodus 19:13, Only when the Ram's horn sounds a long blast may they approach the mountain.
The sound of a vehicle's horn has long been equated with it's quality. This is why a Rolls Royce's horn sounds so much better than a Chrysler LeBaron's. It's a pretty solid endorsement, then, that God told people they can't go up a mountain until they hear a Ram Truck's horn. Still, it would've been better had He let them ride up the mountain in the bed rather than just honking at them while they hike.

7.1 Corinthians 8:9, Take care that this Liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.
God was clearly saying that the Jeep Liberty is a fine vehicle, but underpowered. Fortunately, when the zombie apocalypse happens, these Hemi-powered Jeeps should do the trick.

6.Jeremiah 32:37, In my Fury, and in great wrath; I will bring them again unto this place, and I will cause them to dwell safely.
Most scholars seem to agree that God drove a Plymouth Fury. Some argue that He used it to drive people to safety like some sort of Taxi God, while others note that He drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury. That's gotta mean it's comfy for naked people, and that earns it bonus points.

5.John 12:49, I do not speak of my own Accord.
In Acts, the apostles pulled a classic clown stunt and gathered "all in one Accord." How they knew about it though is anyone's guess, since, as Jesus never really talked about his Honda.

4.Psalm 11:5-6, Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and a horrible Tempest.
God promises vintage muscle cars to bad people in the form of the Pontiac Tempest, presumably to force them to pay incredibly high gas prices for cars that get 12 mpg.

3.Matthew 11:18, He has a Demon!
The Demon was the sporty version of the Dodge Dart, which itself inspired some pretty epic philosophy. In biblical times, however, it was a car worthy of respect. When John shows up at someone's place without even bringing food or drink, all they really care about is his car.

2. The sound of Moses's Triumph was heard throughout the hills.
Most bikers know that Moses was one of several riders in Biblical times. The irony of the fact that he picked a Triumph Motorcycle, renowned for — among many other things — running at high speeds through the desert is not subtle.

1.Matthew 14:8, Give me here John Baptist's head in a Charger.
Sometimes, you've gotta just step back and admire the sense of drama these old-time kings and queens had. When Salome asked Herod for John the Baptist's head, she asked for it to be brought in a Dodge Charger, thousands of years before a bunch of baddies in a Charger went gunning for Steve McQueen's head.


Aaron Miller is the Rides editor for Supercompressor. He believes there's no worse vengeance than an angry car god, so he's pretty handy with a polisher.