Which Bacon Is Your Car?
As you might have heard, Reebok—of all brands—has launched its own bacon. Specifically designed for the CrossFit cult with a smoked formula instead of the usual curing, Reebok’s bacon has a ridiculous two grams of fat per serving. (It should be mentioned that there's only one gram of protein, which shows how small of a serving it is.)
But this got us thinking...what kinds of bacon would other name brands serve up? For some reason, cars came to mind. So naturally we paired 16 vehicles with a respective bacon choice, because we love bacon and cars and you also love bacon and cars and this was a really fun thing to do and you're going to have a lot of fun reading it.
Ford F-150: Oscar Mayer
The best-selling vehicle in the United States, the Ford F-Series is a vehicle of the people. Oscar Mayer is the bacon of the people. Fatty but beefy, this is America’s truck. And America’s bacon. This picture could probably be the United States flag.
Ford F-250: Oscar Mayer Thick Cut
Ford F-350: Super Thick Cut
Super duty, people. 'SUP BRO?
Toyota Prius: Turkey Bacon
Living the mammal-free diet is the equivalent of going hybrid. It purports to be some sort of a commitment to vegetarianism, but it really isn’t—turkey is still dead animal. Just like the Prius’ eight-gallon tank is still filled with gas.
Nissan Leaf: Soy Facon
Is this even a car, technically? Is this even bacon, technically? Filling up on this soy facon would leave you as satisfied as filling up your Leaf with 87 unleaded—definite possibility of digestive issues upon both.
Subaru Outback: Vermont Cure and Smoke Nitrate-free Bacon
If there’s a kind of bacon that someone might say has “good fat” or is "healthier for you," it’s probably Vermont Cure and Smoke. And if we’re talking rural New England, we’re talking Subarus.
Maserati GranTurismo: Pancetta
Any Italian car manufacturer could produce a dynamite pancetta, but we think Maserati would be the only one that would actually do it, since they’re just so much more attainable compared to the Lambos and Ferraris. Can you imagine someone in a Lambo eating regular bacon? Maybe. It’s weird.
Taxi/Uber: Microwaveable Bacon
You are lazy and so is your bacon.
Honda CR-V: Maple-Smoked Bacon
Your crossover SUV is a little funky, so it’s only natural there would be a twist with its bacon. Additionally, since maple-smoked bacon approximates the flavor of syrup from your pancakes slowly crossing over your plate to caress your bacon, we of course have crossovers in our head.
Acura TL: Applegate Farms Organic Bacon
Since Acuras are probably the most upscale car an environmentally-conscious person would ever dare buy, we imagine their bacon would, too, be organic and high-end. So organic, in fact, that the packaging implies rural sensibility, naively suggesting that these Wilburs enjoyed long lives of running free before the captive-bolt pistol.
It just had to be Applegate’s organic goodness.
Tesla: Canadian Bacon
Tesla is too sleek to make an actual bacon, but too fast to resort to anything less than the pig. With its apparent lack of white fat on each slice, Tesla would go with a slab of Canada’s finest.
Smart Car: Bacon Bits
Land Rover: Back Bacon
A sibling of Canadian bacon, this traditional British genre of pork features a bit of loin and belly on the same cut that screams "Land Rover."
Hyundai Sonata: Oscar Mayer Center Cut
Though it comes in proletariat packaging, Oscar’s Center Cut is a marvel, just like the surprisingly upscale Sonata.
Honda Civic: Hormel Black Label Low Sodium
A safe, delicious choice. And it gets you where you need to go.
Non-British European Luxury SUV: Boar's Head Ham
Porsche Cayenne, VW Touareg, BMW X5, would all be ham. Non-British European luxury car brands would know their drivers wish to remain thin, and would supply ham and a statement reminding everyone it’s still pig, just like their drivers say “it’s still a Porsche.” It might not be the bacon they want, but it’s lean, so it’s the bacon they think they need.