H Clothier

The only thing worse than buying ill-fitting off-the-rack duds is showing up to find everyone else at the party wearing the same monkey suit, including the monkey himself, who's pissed, and unafraid to shower you in feces. Take a step toward respectability with completely customized dapperness from H Clothier

A vertically integrated operation (everything from initial measurements to hand-stitched details) helmed by a veteran tailor in an Antique Row storefront outfitted with basement-level production facilities, H offers a full range of sartorial services to pimp you out in anything from a luxe pair of jeans to a proper tux, even if you've never believed the two to be mutually exclusive. Go the shirt route, and after measurements, you'll choose one of six styles -- from classic cotton buttondowns, to horizontally or vertically pleated tux models, to the "18-button", with a column of small epaulette-looking accents running down either side of the placket -- then make a call on color, pattern, and fabric, with options ranging from linen to Egyptian cotton, which everyone knows was woven by aliens. Suit jackets get matching/contrasting vest options, and along with outerwear (overcoats, trench coats, pea coats), come in a virtually infinite number of lining & stitching shades and fabrics/weights, from basic poly-cotton blends to Super Fine German wool, shorn from the chest of a certain nameless someone who loves drunkenly eating cheeseburgers, named David Hasselhoff

For these pieces plus the aforementioned jeans (which're custom-tailored from raw denim), H'll replicate any style or design feature you can dream up, resulting in a truly unique finished product to accessorize w/ one of H's armadillo skin wallets or snakeskin belts -- whose donors, despite the inconvenience this represents for them, won't throw poop at you despite being shaped like one.