While great in theory, wine pairings often present a double uselessness: they're scripted for foods you generally don't have and, besides, you used up all your Chateau D'yquem when you ran out of beer playing speed quarters. Because we know you have beer, and an indomitable taste for crappy take-out, Dan Brody, the maniac behind Miami's infamous food & drink blog DailyCocaine, is here to give your questionable eating habits a gourmet assist:
Pad Thai: Dan suggests Spain's Estrella Galicia to contend with the dish's multitude of elements, as it's "a light and uncomplicated brew that won't overpower any of them", plus, the slightly bitter finish un-cloys the pad's sweetness, solving a problem you're totally unprepared for: your pad being too sweet.
Take-out Sushi Rolls: To jive with fake crab, Dan counsels "Abita Purple Haze, a (real) raspberry wheat from New Orleans that'll give bland sh*t some flavor", leading you to fruitlessly pour it on your TV while watching CBS prime-time programming.
Sweet & Sour Shrimp: A dish this syrupy needs something sharp but not dark or heavy, like Boston's Harpoon UFO Hefeweizen, "A nice wheat beer" whose "unfiltered, citrus notes play well off sweet, and won't clutter the glop," which is absolutely crucial to glop aficionados.
Burgers: A brew's gotta be bold and complex to stand up to either fast food apathy or inspired home-charring. "Anchor Steam is the best burger beer, hands down," says Dan. "Grilling a burger in winter, Anchor Steam in hand, is a lusty revenge on your Northern friends", who only remain your friends so they have somewhere to grill burgers in winter.
Bachelor pasta: Dan goes with Quebec's La Fin du Monde because it's spicy enough (thanks to ginger, brandy, and orange peel) to stand up to marinara from a jar (or ketchup from a squeeze bottle). It's also 9% alcohol, a potency you might appreciate if you're eating spaghetti at home alone.
Whisky: For the liquid dieter, "Sierra Nevada Stout. One shot of Jameson for every 12 ounces stout will cure all that ails you", except the fact that you're drinking whisky for dessert.