Burger-chowing can go one of two ways: spending a steak's-worth of dough on a gourmet affair, or dropping 99cents on clown-knows-what. Now, there's a third, at Epic Burger, opening Monday. The brainchild of a former fast-food consultant, Epic's a brightly decorated, 80-seat dine-in & carryout spot dedicated to serving up "a more mindful burger": high quality, reasonably priced, and always remembers to put down the toilet seat. To that end, the small-rancher-procured patties are hormone/antibiotic free, never-frozen, cooked-to-order 100% chuck, toppable with goodness like cage-free organic fried eggs, nitrate-free bacon, and a trio of Wisco hand-crafted cheeses: one-year-aged cheddar, horseradish havarti, and buttermilk blue (even melancholy cows make delicious fromage). If you're a no-red-meat-eating coward, there're also turkey burgers and a trio of sandwiches: all-natural chicken breast, fried egg, and portabello 'shroom, the filet mignon of fungus. Burgers're abetted by hand-cut fries, Edy's all-natural shakes & malts, and nine fresh-fruit smoothies ranging from "Blueberry Crunch" to "Lemon Squeeze." Epic's also offering free wi-fi which, coupled with it sitting under the nation's largest dorm, lets you split the difference between justified lingering, and sticking only to leer at girls who're clown-knows-how-old.