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Metz Functional Art

Dudes are always telling you your furniture rocks, but they're actually just trying to butter you up so they can swing a favorable trade for that Shawon Dunston Rated Rookie. Legitimize those dubious claims, with Metz Functional Art

From a Cincinnati guy who comes from a long line of woodcrafters, MFA's handmade custom furniture is modeled after various classic guitars that've been given the stamp of approval from people that excel in the field of music, like Gene Simmons, whose taste in furniture is the well-kept secret behind his claim to have bedded more than 1,000 chicks, and graced more than seven Better Homes and Gardens covers.

Their guitar chairs are molded from Baltic birch and placed on a stainless steel base that swivels and rocks, with seats shaped after famed axes from the likes of Les Paul and Fender, in colors ranging from midnight black and teal to black cherry and orange sunburst, which you fondly recall drinking after youth soccer games while watching Turner and Hooch on Laser Disc.

They also make guitaresque barstools, two sizes of coffee tables, and another table shaped like a big guitar pick that makes a great nightstand or, if you're super clever on Halloween and tape some condoms to it, a one night stand!!!

Because telling time is important, they also make pick-shaped wall clocks, which totally rock, unlike your shoddy package compensation of Steve Lyons, Angels Leaders, and a checklist.