If there's one thing McGruff the Crime Dog taught us, it's that you can totally wear a trench coat with nothing under it. If there are two things though, it's the trench thing, and that crime doesn't pay. Especially if you're doing it at a Chicago restaurant. Here are five idiotic criminals who tried to eff with Chicago restaurants and almost all lost spectacularly, including that dude who literally just got karate-chopped by Jason Chan at Juno.
The Scene: Juno in Lincoln Park, November 7th
The Crime: Stealing from a restaurant owned by a karate master
When a guy in a distinctive striped sweater nabbed a customer’s iPhone at Juno’s bar and took off, owner Jason Chan deployed some good, old-fashioned street justice. Chan, an ex-bouncer and Shidokan black belt, jumped in his car and spotted the thief at a nearby Lou Malnati’s. The thief tried to take a swing, and Chan used his Shidokan powers to subdue the thief with an armbar, holding him down until police arrived.
Proposed Punishment: Three years on hold waiting for AppleCare customer service.
The Scene: Pie Hole Pizza Joint in Lakeview, October 26th, 630a
The Crime: Playing tug of war with an iPad
The iPad next to the register at Pie Hole may have seemed like easy pickins, until the thief smashed the storefront window and yanked on the device 10 times before realizing that the security cable wasn’t giving up before he did.
Proposed Punishment: Sentenced to a year locked in an aviary with very angry birds.
The Scene: Clifton Grill in West Rogers Park, August 11th, 1130p
The Crime: Robbing a restaurant at Super Soaker-point
If you ever wondered what might happen if you told a robber threatening to pull a gun on you that “now’s not a good time, come back in an hour”, here's your answer: when two gullible robbers approached the restaurant demanding food, the owner told 'em to come back later. They did, only to find the cops waiting for them. Both were arrested and and their weapons taken -- a metal bat and a squirt gun.
Proposed Punishment: Imprisonment with weekly Parole board meetings where they're told “now’s not a good time, come back in an hour.”
The Scene: JK Kabab House in West Rogers Park, September 16th, 2a
The Crime: Attempting to bike away with almost 400lbs of meat
You have to be pretty brazen to take $600-worth of marinated chicken, beef, and lamb, and then try to bike away with it through a well-lit alley. After spilling the container of meat onto the pavement, the meat thief returned with a shopping cart to load up his heist-ables. The meat thief may still be at-large, so be on the look-out for a man who looks like he’s eaten his weight in beef and can’t ride a bike.
Proposed Punishment: 2 years pedaling at a Divvy bike docking station.
The Scene: 2 Sparrows in Lincoln Park, February 23rd
The Crime: Grand Theft bathroom
Someone tried to steal the bathroom sink at 2 Sparrows during a Saturday evening rush. Yes, the sink. The thief had gotten nearly the whole $300 blown-glass sink unscrewed from the base by hand before realizing how suspicious it might look walking out of the bathroom with a sink-shaped object under their sweater.
Proposed Punishment: Same as the original “Wet Bandits": forced to spend six months on a movie set with Macaulay Culkin filming a reboot of Home Alone.