Growing up isn't always fun, which is why people like Peter Pan and Michael Jackson have famously tried to put it off. Unfortunately, if you're neither famous nor fictional, you will be expected to eventually act like an adult. A major part of this process involves acquiring more skills—think of it like leveling up in a video game.
Just don't refer to it that way. That's a good example of what not to do if you want to convince people you're the kind of mature individual who pays taxes, contributes to society, and hasn't tried to do a keg stand in about a decade. In order to convince your parents to stop worrying about you (and your friends to start returning your calls), here are 30 things you should be able to do to by age 30.
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1. Change a tire
If you can't do this, your license gets revoked. Breaking into tears when you get a flat is grounds for divorce in some states.
2. Operate a grill
If you still use a George Foreman Grill you're legally obligated to return your college diploma.
3. Pair wine to a meal
You do know those food pairing suggestions on boxed wine are the work of failed comedy writers, right?
Dude, your body is already 60 percent water.
5. Change your oil
Otherwise Jiffy Lube will be the only kind of lube in your life.
6. Throw a football
It's a lot easier than feigning injury every time a spontaneous game breaks out at a backyard barbecue.
7. Do your taxes
The IRS brought down Al Capone. You need to be able to handle this.
8. Take a decent picture
In the event that virgin sacrifice ever becomes a thing again, don't out yourself by taking post-gym selfies for your OKCupid profile.
9. Build a respectable wardrobe
You're an adult and you can't dress yourself? Mr. Federline, get your life together.
10. Fix basic household problems
So easy, even a landlord can do it.
11. Dance like an adult
Learn some moves. It's time to admit a sad truth: Dance Dance Revolution was just "The Floor is Lava!" on speed.
12. Get around without a phone
You know what happens when you turn off the GPS and trust your own sense of direction to get from point A to point B? America happens.
13. Parallel park
Rule of thumb: if a sixteen-year-old can do something, you need to be able to do that thing better.
14. Play a vinyl record
Disclaimer: this point is moot if the record is Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water.
15. Balance a checkbook
Refer to Billy Joel’s “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” for information about the dangers of poor financial planning. It took Brenda and Eddie “a couple of years” to save up for a waterbed? No wonder she dumped his ass.
16. Jump-start a car
Despite what you may have learned from Taken, jumper cables don't exist simply so that Liam Neeson can torture foreign people.
17. Tie a tie
Clip-on ties were invented by the CIA to help identify sociopaths.
18. Nail a job interview
If you've gotten to 30 without going on enough job interviews to do them in your sleep, your name is Jaden Smith and you're from the future. Two reasons we don't trust you.
19. Make a decent cocktail
A cocktail should only make you cringe if you're drinking it illegally.
20. Iron clothes
If your primary goal when dating is finding a spouse who will do this for you, we'd like to know more about your time machine, sir.
21. Ride a bike
E.T. learned how to ride a bike in the goddamn sky and he wasn't even from this planet. What's your excuse?
Your famous “ramen noodle surprise” won’t impress anyone if the surprise tastes like freshman year and despair.
23. Drive stick
In case you ever need to be on Top Gear.
24. Control your drinking, dude
The excess of college parties may have been fun, but as an adult, the number of people who want to see you shotgun a beer is so low that science is still debating whether or not it exists.
25. Control your anger, dude
Is your last name Wahlberg? Then calm the fuck down.
26. Choose a date
Did you know that taking a date anywhere with a drive-thru is actually interpreted as a vow of celibacy in some cultures?
27. Keep a living space
Don't give off the wrong vibes. Hollywood has taught us that if you can’t keep a house, there is a 100 percent chance that you're a serial killer.
28. Build a goddamn fire
It's one of the first things humans achieved. DO NOT be the specimen who disproves evolution.
29. Brew a damn fine cup of coffee
Refusing to offer coffee to guests who have slept over is the non-verbal equivalent of cursing their families. Offering terrible coffee is the non-verbal equivalent of cursing your own.
30. Start a conversation
Does your opening line at the bar involve slurred references to Battlestar Galactica? Then why are you at the bar? It's past your bedtime.
Joe Olivetois a staff writer at Supercompressor and he's gonna take so much heat from friends and family who know he can't do several of these things. Follow him on Twitter.