There’s a thin line between cocktail connoisseur and full-blown cocktail snob. While you should certainly know your bar lingo and have your Martini order down, you shouldn’t go so far as to be that guy who is so obsessed with cocktails that no one actually wants to drink one with you anymore. Here, the seven signs that you are a certified cocktail snob.
You carry around your own bottle of Regan’s Orange Bitters.
Some people carry around a bottle of hot sauce; you carry around Gaz Regan’s one and only Orange Bitters No. 6 on the off chance that your friend’s place or their pick of bar doesn’t have a bottle in stock. How are you supposed to cope with a classic Gin Martini or Perfect Manhattan made with a subpar brand of orange bitters? Suck it up, that’s how. And realize that, while the drink might not be precisely as you like it, the more important thing is the company with whom you are drinking it.
You won’t even walk into a bar that uses sour mix.
The second you spot that neon yellow plastic bottle behind the bar, you’re gone. Honestly, we understand your aversion. But the only thing that bottle means is that you shouldn’t go ordering a Margarita or a Gimlet. Just stick with the all-spirit drinks, and you’ll make it through the night. Deep breaths.
Your Rum and Coke is always made with Mexican Coke—and it’s called a Cuba Libre.
You shun Coke Zeros and regular American-made cans, and won’t even settle for Pepsi. You only drink Mexican Coca-Cola out of a glass bottle—the good stuff made with real sugar. And when you mix it with rum, it is not a simple Rum and Coke because you add a squeeze of lime, damnit, and that makes it a “Cuba Libre.” But really, calm down, bro. It’s just a Rum and Coke with lime, and please stop rolling the “r” in “libre.”
You correct people every time they pronounce Boulevardier or Vieux Carre incorrectly.
We get it: You took French in high school.
You can’t just order a drink from a bartender—you need to have a full conversation.
“Where do you get your mint? What brand of tonic water do you use? You know, I hear the proper way to stir is three time clockwise and then nine times counterclockwise. Have you tasted the new offering from that obscure Japanese gin producer?” Ease up with the chitter chatter, and stop trying to impress the bartender. Even if he or she does want to discuss the politics of Kentucky bourbon with you, they don’t have time to do it now and, hey, shouldn’t you be talking to your friends? Or did they Irish exit on you again.
You can’t even remember the last time you had a beer or a glass of wine.
You’re not a “beer person,” so you make all your friends dig into their liquor cabinets to make you a cocktail every time you come over. Look around: Is everyone else drinking a glass of wine or a beer? Then you should be too.
You own your own Kold-Draft ice machine.
If you’re willing to drop more than $3K on a machine that makes ice (and only makes ice), then you’re too far gone. It’s hopeless. Enjoy your perfect ice.