You’ve seen them before. The couple that makes you want to gag. The couple that make you chug your $15 cocktail just so you can retreat to the pub across the street. The couple that you not-so-subtly film on your phone to show your friends later while saying, “Can you even believe they did that?” If you don't know what we're talking about, then you and your boo could be the offending duo. Here, the 10 worst things couples do in bars.
Sit on the same side of the table when there’s only two of them.
The world is not your Netflix to watch and judge. Sit across from each other like normal human beings. You’ll be able to cuddle later at home, we promise.
Hold hands for the entire time.
Unless one of you happens to be left handed and the other right handed, someone is going to be left trying to drink—or worse, eat—with their non-dominant hand. If you’ve ever watched someone try to drink a very full Martini using only their weak hand, you’ll know that this is just a recipe for trouble and spills. Just let go for a little. He or she won’t run away (probably).
"Boop” each other’s noses.
Gross, guys. Just gross.
Order as a single unit.
“We” won’t be having anything. You will be having your item and your partner will be having theirs. You are not the Borg.
Sit on each other’s laps.
There are perfectly good seats, stools, benches and places on the floor to stand. Use them.
Make out...a lot.
We’ve all been guilty of having a smooch or two at a bar—and we’re all very sorry about it. Because nothing shows you the error of your ways like being forced to sit next to a slobbery couple in the middle of a two-hour long face-eating sesh. Take it to the street.
Carve their names into the table or wall.
This is not your childhood treehouse, this is a bar. Even if this was the booth you first fell in love in, that doesn’t mean you get to mark your territory with a violent looking, way too angular heart and arrow. Doodle on a cocktail napkin if you insist.
Give each other massages.
Unless you’re willing to give them to everyone, cut it out.
Pretend not to know each other and act out some sort of weird “stranger at a bar” fantasy.
Nobody in the bar signed on to be part of your kinky plot to reignite the passion in your relationship. So please do not make us extras in your cheesy, soft-core, improvised porn.
Have sex in the bathroom.
People are waiting to pee. Speed it up, at least.