Every MLB Mascot, Ranked By How Badly I Want To Punch Them
Punchability. It's one of the few metrics statisticians neglect in the numbers-crazy game of baseball. And nothing about America's Pastime (this side of John Rocker) is more punchable than MLB mascots.
These 27 grotesque creatures of polyester and faux fur (Yankees, Dodgers, and Angels fans—consider yourself lucky) try as hard as they can to suck the life out of this beautiful game, so naturally, I just want to punch 'em, right in their mouth holes.
27. Lou Seal - San Francisco Giants
I kind of like this guy. There are plenty of seals in San Fran, so it fits. But mostly, I like it because it reminds me of this.
Punchability Rating: 2.7 Biebers
26. Clark - Chicago Cubs
Let's get one thing straight, it's not that I don't want to punch "Clark" (???), it's just that I want to punch him slighty less than everyone else on this list. The little cub in the friendly confines of Wrigley is okay...I guess.
Punchability Rating: 2.3 Biebers
25. Paws - Detroit Tigers
Though he has a stupid name, he kinda looks like Jim Leyland... and Detroit has enough problems already. Plus, tigers are horribly endangered. I'd settle for a light smacking. Followed by some passive aggressive comments.
Punchability Rating: 2.9 Biebers
24. Mariner Moose - Seattle Mariners
The Mariner Moose has alliteration on its side, but that's about it. Note the over-sized nose: a perfect platform for a hard swing. This theme will come into play at length during this list.
Punchability Rating: 3.1 Biebers
23. Screech - Washington Nationals
The patriot in me wants to give this Bald Eagle the benefit of the doubt; the dickhead in me can't neglect his name is Screech.
Punchability Rating: 3.5 Biebers
22. Bernie Brewer - Milwaukee Brewers
Not to be confused with comedian Bernie Mac, who played a Brewer in the instant-classic Mr. 3000. I don't know about this guy. He kind of looks like the dude who used to drive his van around our local playgrounds, offering candy and free day trips to the zoo. I wonder whatever happened to him...
Punchability Rating: 3.4 Biebers
21. Mr. Met - New York Mets
You might have assumed Mr. Met would score a little bit higher on the punchability scale, but his costume design—though admittedly lame and kitschy as f*ck—is classic nonetheless.
Punchability Rating: 4.3 Mike the Situations
20. Stomper - Oakland Athletics
Did they pick this thing up in a dumpster behind Sesame Street? I just feel kinda bad. Like I want to to put it out of its misery.
19. Fredbird - St. Louis Cardinals
St. Louis is a classy organization. That's why it's a shame to see this nice Cardinal mascot turning his ballcap around and ripping the bottom of his shorts. Some may blame the parents. I blame Nelly.
Punchability Rating: 4.9 Mike the Situations
18. Homer the Brave - Atlanta Braves
Doesn't it appear that this gang of children are in the midst of roughing up this Mr. Met knockoff, as he pleads for mercy? I don't blame them, but it's still better than the disturbingly antiquated alternative.
17. Baxter the Bobcat - Arizona Diamondbacks
Seriously? Screw this guy.
Punchability Rating: 5.9 Mike the Situations
16. Ace - Toronto Blue Jays
I don't know. He has a stupid name. And he's Canadian.
Punchability Rating: 6.1 Dan Bilzerians
15. Southpaw - Chicago White Sox
This is just a random weirdo for the sake of random weirdo—no meaning, no symbology, just a guy in a furry costume. And that schnozz....it's just begging for a knuckle panini.
Punchability Rating: 6.8 Dan Bilzerians
14. T.C. Bear - Minnesota Twins
The Twins, strapped for natural mascot options (I guess Steve Buscemi from Fargo was out of the question) decided to play it stupidly safe and make their mascot a big, dumb, bear. I'd deduct points for its idiot gaping mouth, but this is kind of cool.
Punchability Rating: 6.9 Dan Bilzerians
13. Rangers Captain - Texas Rangers
This one's not even that bad. But that name. Jesus, that name.
Punchability Rating: 7.0 Dan Bilzerians
12. The Swinging Friar - San Diego Padres
If anything can bring down the Catholic Church, it's this oversized Friar in camo robes.
Punchability Rating: 7.3 Andy Dicks
11. Slider - Cleveland Indians
I know, I know. Slider should be higher on this list. But it's Cleveland guys. Let's throw them a fuzzy, pink, depressing, bone.
Punchability Rating: 7.5 Andy Dicks
10. Billy the Marlin - Miami Marlins
I don't know...he gets points for directly relating to his team's name, but there's something about that dumb, anthropomorphic double-chinned grin that screams: "I don't deserve to be alive. I am nature's biggest mistake."
Punchability Rating: 7.7 Andy Dicks
9. Raymond - Tampa Bay Rays
Does this stupid f*cking guy make sense in any way, shape, or form? Nope. But that's Florida for you.
Punchability Rating: 7.9 Andy Dicks
8. Wally the Green Monster - Boston Red Sox
Oh my god guys, get it? The Green Monster? Like in the outfield? And Wally..like the wall? It's wicked humorous.
Punchability Rating: 8.3 Andy Dicks
7. Orbit - Houston Astros
He looks like someone left the Green Monster costume out in the rain for 30 years, before setting it ablaze, only to leave it out in the rain again for another two weeks. Why is he making that stupid/awkward mouth thing? I hate this guy.
Punchability Rating: 8.5 Shia Labeoufs
6. Slugerrr - Kansas City Royals
No, that triple r at the end of his name isn't a typo...they actually decided to deliberately spell it that way. This, and the jarring Bart Simpson-esque crown inexplicably spurting out of his head make for one exceedingly annoying lion-like abomination.
Punchability Rating: 8.7 Shia Labeoufs
5. Dinger - Colorado Rockies
If a triceratops on bath salts had sex with a Funfetti cake, it would look like this. And that name...holy shit. This guy is worse the War of 1812 (too soon?).
Punchability Rating: 8.9 Shia Labeoufs
4. The Pittsburgh Parrot - Pittsburgh Pirates
Just look at that goddamn stupid face. Just look at it.
Punchability Rating: 9.1 Carson Dalys
3. Every one of these things - Cincinnati Reds
For some reason the Cincinnati Reds hate winning baseball games, but f*cking love having a plethora of stupid mascots. They have a dazzlingly annoying trifecta of two baseball headed men and one crazy baseball woman who looks like she takes her morning coffee with 10 Xanax, along with, of course, a fuzzy non-sequitur to complete this package of douche-nozzles.
Punchability Rating: 9.5 Carson Dalys
2. Oriole Bird - Baltimore Orioles
Not only does the costume look like it was drenched in Natty Bo and run over by a dump truck, but this mascot once personally accosted me with a broom as I watched my Yankees get swept in Baltimore. It's cool. I've seen The Wire, I know how to settle my beefs in the Charm City. It's all in the game, as Omar would say.
Punchability Rating: 9.7 Carson Dalys
1. The Phillie Phanatic - Philadelphia Phillies
Did you expect anyone else? It has absolutely nothing to do with the team, city, or baseball in general—and on top of that, this atrocity seems like a legitimate d*ck. There is literally no one who has ever taken the field...nay, even seen a baseball that isn't infuriated by the very sight of this beast. To top it all off, he's from Philadelphia. Philadelphia. The pits of hell could not spawn a monster more malevolently irking than the Phillie Phanatic. Don't look into its eyes, Mariam!
Punchability Rating: One Million A-Rods
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