Punchability. It's one of the few metrics statisticians neglect in the numbers-crazy game of baseball. And nothing about America's Pastime (this side of John Rocker) is more punchable than MLB mascots.
These 27 grotesque creatures of polyester and faux fur (Yankees, Dodgers, and Angels fans—consider yourself lucky) try as hard as they can to suck the life out of this beautiful game, so naturally, I just want to punch 'em, right in their mouth holes.
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Let's get one thing straight, it's not that I don't want to punch "Clark" (???), it's just that I want to punch him slighty less than everyone else on this list. The little cub in the friendly confines of Wrigley is okay...I guess.
Though he has a stupid name, he kinda looks like Jim Leyland... and Detroit has enough problems already. Plus, tigers are horribly endangered. I'd settle for a light smacking. Followed by some passive aggressive comments.
Not to be confused with comedian Bernie Mac, who played a Brewer in the instant-classic Mr. 3000. I don't know about this guy. He kind of looks like the dude who used to drive his van around our local playgrounds, offering candy and free day trips to the zoo. I wonder whatever happened to him...
Doesn't it appear that this gang of children are in the midst of roughing up this Mr. Met knockoff, as he pleads for mercy? I don't blame them, but it's still better than the disturbingly antiquated alternative.
The Twins, strapped for natural mascot options (I guess Steve Buscemi from Fargo was out of the question) decided to play it stupidly safe and make their mascot a big, dumb, bear. I'd deduct points for its idiot gaping mouth, but this is kind of cool.
I don't know...he gets points for directly relating to his team's name, but there's something about that dumb, anthropomorphic double-chinned grin that screams: "I don't deserve to be alive. I am nature's biggest mistake."
He looks like someone left the Green Monster costume out in the rain for 30 years, before setting it ablaze, only to leave it out in the rain again for another two weeks. Why is he making that stupid/awkward mouth thing? I hate this guy.
No, that triple r at the end of his name isn't a typo...they actually decided to deliberately spell it that way. This, and the jarring Bart Simpson-esque crown inexplicably spurting out of his head make for one exceedingly annoying lion-like abomination.
For some reason the Cincinnati Reds hate winning baseball games, but f*cking love having a plethora of stupid mascots. They have a dazzlingly annoying trifecta of two baseball headed men and one crazy baseball woman who looks like she takes her morning coffee with 10 Xanax, along with, of course, a fuzzy non-sequitur to complete this package of douche-nozzles.
Not only does the costume look like it was drenched in Natty Bo and run over by a dump truck, but this mascot once personally accosted me with a broom as I watched my Yankees get swept in Baltimore. It's cool. I've seen The Wire, I know how to settle my beefs in the Charm City. It's all in the game, as Omar would say.
Did you expect anyone else? It has absolutely nothing to do with the team, city, or baseball in general—and on top of that, this atrocity seems like a legitimate d*ck. There is literally no one who has ever taken the field...nay, even seen a baseball that isn't infuriated by the very sight of this beast. To top it all off, he's from Philadelphia. Philadelphia. The pits of hell could not spawn a monster more malevolently irking than the Phillie Phanatic. Don't look into its eyes, Mariam!