Lifestyle

Every MLB Mascot, Ranked By How Badly I Want To Punch Them

Published On 06/05/2015 Published On 06/05/2015
Mascots Ranked By Punchability
Grizlr

Punchability. It's one of the few metrics statisticians neglect in the numbers-crazy game of baseball. And nothing about America's Pastime (this side of John Rocker) is more punchable than MLB mascots.

These 27 grotesque creatures of polyester and faux fur (Yankees, Dodgers, and Angels fans—consider yourself lucky) try as hard as they can to suck the life out of this beautiful game, so naturally, I just want to punch 'em, right in their mouth holes.

Nicole Pitts

27. Lou Seal - San Francisco Giants

I kind of like this guy. There are plenty of seals in San Fran, so it fits. But mostly, I like it because it reminds me of this.

Punchability Rating: 2.7 Biebers

TheSportsEsquires

26. Clark - Chicago Cubs

Let's get one thing straight, it's not that I don't want to punch "Clark" (???), it's just that I want to punch him slighty less than everyone else on this list. The little cub in the friendly confines of Wrigley is okay...I guess.

Punchability Rating: 2.3 Biebers

TheSideWord

25. Paws - Detroit Tigers

Though he has a stupid name, he kinda looks like Jim Leyland... and Detroit has enough problems already. Plus, tigers are horribly endangered. I'd settle for a light smacking. Followed by some passive aggressive comments.

Punchability Rating: 2.9 Biebers

BSpaceWiz2

24. Mariner Moose - Seattle Mariners

The Mariner Moose has alliteration on its side, but that's about it. Note the over-sized nose: a perfect platform for a hard swing. This theme will come into play at length during this list.

Punchability Rating: 3.1 Biebers

Zenroto

23. Screech - Washington Nationals

The patriot in me wants to give this Bald Eagle the benefit of the doubt; the dickhead in me can't neglect his name is Screech.

Punchability Rating: 3.5 Biebers

bspacewiz2

22. Bernie Brewer - Milwaukee Brewers

Not to be confused with comedian Bernie Mac, who played a Brewer in the instant-classic Mr. 3000. I don't know about this guy. He kind of looks like the dude who used to drive his van around our local playgrounds, offering candy and free day trips to the zoo. I wonder whatever happened to him...

Punchability Rating: 3.4 Biebers

Lockerdome

21. Mr. Met - New York Mets

You might have assumed Mr. Met would score a little bit higher on the punchability scale, but his costume design—though admittedly lame and kitschy as f*ck—is classic nonetheless.

Punchability Rating: 4.3 Mike the Situations

MLB.com

20. Stomper - Oakland Athletics 

Did they pick this thing up in a dumpster behind Sesame Street? I just feel kinda bad. Like I want to to put it out of its misery.

Punchability Rating: 4.7 Mike the Situations

St Louis.octan2u

19. Fredbird - St. Louis Cardinals 

St. Louis is a classy organization. That's why it's a shame to see this nice Cardinal mascot turning his ballcap around and ripping the bottom of his shorts. Some may blame the parents. I blame Nelly.

Punchability Rating: 4.9 Mike the Situations

CobbCast

18. Homer the Brave - Atlanta Braves

Doesn't it appear that this gang of children are in the midst of roughing up this Mr. Met knockoff, as he pleads for mercy? I don't blame them, but it's still better than the disturbingly antiquated alternative.

Punchability Rating: 5.5 Mike the Situations

CEBImagery 

17. Baxter the Bobcat - Arizona Diamondbacks

Seriously? Screw this guy. 

Punchability Rating: 5.9 Mike the Situations

TheStar

16. Ace - Toronto Blue Jays 

I don't know. He has a stupid name. And he's Canadian.

Punchability Rating: 6.1 Dan Bilzerians

Wikimedia 

15. Southpaw - Chicago White Sox 

This is just a random weirdo for the sake of random weirdo—no meaning, no symbology, just a guy in a furry costume. And that schnozz....it's just begging for a knuckle panini. 

Punchability Rating: 6.8 Dan Bilzerians

PublicRadio1

14. T.C. Bear - Minnesota Twins

The Twins, strapped for natural mascot options (I guess Steve Buscemi from Fargo was out of the question) decided to play it stupidly safe and make their mascot a big, dumb, bear. I'd deduct points for its idiot gaping mouth, but this is kind of cool. 

Punchability Rating: 6.9 Dan Bilzerians

AstroTurf

13. Rangers Captain - Texas Rangers

This one's not even that bad. But that name. Jesus, that name. 

Punchability Rating: 7.0 Dan Bilzerians

CookAndSonBats

12. The Swinging Friar - San Diego Padres

If anything can bring down the Catholic Church, it's this oversized Friar in camo robes.

Punchability Rating: 7.3 Andy Dicks

CookandSonBats 

11. Slider - Cleveland Indians 

I know, I know. Slider should be higher on this list. But it's Cleveland guys. Let's throw them a fuzzy, pink, depressing, bone.

Punchability Rating: 7.5 Andy Dicks

MLB.com

10. Billy the Marlin - Miami Marlins

I don't know...he gets points for directly relating to his team's name, but there's something about that dumb, anthropomorphic double-chinned grin that screams: "I don't deserve to be alive. I am nature's biggest mistake."

Punchability Rating: 7.7 Andy Dicks

USA Today 

9. Raymond - Tampa Bay Rays 

Does this stupid f*cking guy make sense in any way, shape, or form? Nope. But that's Florida for you.

Punchability Rating: 7.9 Andy Dicks

Wikimedia

8. Wally the Green Monster - Boston Red Sox

Oh my god guys, get it? The Green Monster? Like in the outfield? And Wally..like the wall? It's wicked humorous.

Punchability Rating: 8.3 Andy Dicks

Wikimedia 

7. Orbit - Houston Astros 

He looks like someone left the Green Monster costume out in the rain for 30 years, before setting it ablaze, only to leave it out in the rain again for another two weeks. Why is he making that stupid/awkward mouth thing? I hate this guy. 

Punchability Rating: 8.5 Shia Labeoufs 

Fox Sports

6. Slugerrr - Kansas City Royals

No, that triple r at the end of his name isn't a typo...they actually decided to deliberately spell it that way. This, and the jarring Bart Simpson-esque crown inexplicably spurting out of his head make for one exceedingly annoying lion-like abomination. 

Punchability Rating: 8.7 Shia Labeoufs

TheDenverChannel 

5. Dinger - Colorado Rockies

If a triceratops on bath salts had sex with a Funfetti cake, it would look like this. And that name...holy shit. This guy is worse the War of 1812 (too soon?).

Punchability Rating: 8.9 Shia Labeoufs

Animal-Kid

4. The Pittsburgh Parrot - Pittsburgh Pirates

Just look at that goddamn stupid face. Just look at it. 

Punchability Rating: 9.1 Carson Dalys

Fox Sports

3. Every one of these things - Cincinnati Reds 

For some reason the Cincinnati Reds hate winning baseball games, but f*cking love having a plethora of stupid mascots. They have a dazzlingly annoying trifecta of two baseball headed men and one crazy baseball woman who looks like she takes her morning coffee with 10 Xanax, along with, of course, a fuzzy non-sequitur to complete this package of douche-nozzles. 

Punchability Rating: 9.5 Carson Dalys

ClassicalLite

2. Oriole Bird - Baltimore Orioles 

Not only does the costume look like it was drenched in Natty Bo and run over by a dump truck, but this mascot once personally accosted me with a broom as I watched my Yankees get swept in Baltimore. It's cool. I've seen The Wire, I know how to settle my beefs in the Charm City. It's all in the game, as Omar would say.

Punchability Rating: 9.7 Carson Dalys

Avax News

1. The Phillie Phanatic - Philadelphia Phillies

Did you expect anyone else? It has absolutely nothing to do with the team, city, or baseball in general—and on top of that, this atrocity seems like a legitimate d*ck. There is literally no one who has ever taken the field...nay, even seen a baseball that isn't infuriated by the very sight of this beast. To top it all off, he's from Philadelphia. Philadelphia. The pits of hell could not spawn a monster more malevolently irking than the Phillie Phanatic. Don't look into its eyes, Mariam!

Punchability Rating: One Million A-Rods


Wil Fulton is a Staff Writer for Supercompressor. He's very appreciative of the Yankees getting rid of this guy. Follow him, if you wish, @WilFulton.

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