Food & Drink

An Astrologer Tells Us Who Will and Won’t Find Love in Bars in March

Mark Yocca / Supercall

The love of your life may be sitting on a bar stool this March, waiting for a chance meeting—or not. It’s all written in the stars, Angel Eyedealism, an internationally renowned astrologer in New York, tells me in a warm, incense-filled East Village apartment. There will be complications—Mercury will be in retrograde for three weeks starting on March 22, after all—but for a portion of the population, a night at the bar could turn into much more.

Eyedealism stares at a circular chart blown up across the screen of a Mac monitor on her table. She’s been creating art and practicing astrology (she’s always just a click, call or email away) since 1992. The day before our reading, she met with producers for Jimmy Fallon, and notes from an on-air reading with Fox cover her side table. CBS, she notes, is filming her for NCAA prognostication. But this reading is different, because we need to know one thing and one thing only: Who should look for love in bars in March according to sun sign astrology? Here’s what we learned:

Pisces

Feb. 19 to March 20

Pisces are “the bar flies,” Eyedealism says, going on to further elaborate that they’re “the saint, the whore, the spirituous debaucher.” It’s a water sign, and water signs tend to be drinkers, in their element at a bar and full of both creativity and destruction.

Venus hovers in each sign for a short period of time, and Pisces is graced with Venus in the first week of the month. Venus inspires art, love, beauty, music and romance, further enhancing Pisces’ abilities at the bar, Eyedealism says.

It’s not all free love, however. “Neptune [is] also in the sign of Pisces, so they have to watch out for the confusion and delusional aspects of Neptune in their sign,” Eyedealism says. “It’s the ruling planet for Pisces.” People will need to be aware of “the confusion and delusion that goes along with Neptune, and the sleaziness of Neptune in their sign.”

At the end of each night, battling between the influences of Venus and Neptune, Eyedealism has one major insight: “They can be saintly or whorish, their choice. Whatever is going to get them into the bedroom.”

Aries

March 21 to April 19

Aries is the “racecar driver of the zodiac,” Eyedealism says. They’re fast and furious people who “love a challenge, but if you give in too fast, then it’s game over.” Venus will go from Pisces to Aries on March 6 and stay there until March 30. There’s a much better chance that Aries will find love on a night out during those days, “but Venus in Aries is a war-like placement.”

“The fight before the f*ck,” Eyedealism says. “Nice, mellow sex is disgusting to an Aries. They like it rough and tumble. Biting. They will be having lots of love and sex.”

Aries should also take note that Uranus is in the sign of Aries in March, so accidents can happen and clumsiness should be expected. It also means that sudden insights may occur, so it’s a time for change.

Taurus

April 20 to May 20 

Jupiter in Scorpio is opposite the Taurus sun in the month of March, so Taurus may have to try a little harder until March 31, when Venus passes from Aries to Taurus. There will be many sudden changes, in love and other aspects of life. Uranus is going into the sign of Taurus on May 15 and will stay for seven years.

In general, Tauruses are the least likely to change, but relationships and love are extremely important to them because they’re ruled by Venus.

“They will have plenty of opportunity for sudden hook ups in the next seven years starting around May 15,” Eyedealism says, “but they take too long in the bars otherwise.”

In other words, maybe it’s best to wait it out until April.

Gemini

May 21 to June 20

Geminis are adept at finding love in bars because, Eyedealism says, “basically they can talk their way out of a brown paper bag, or talk their way into anyone’s bed.”

“Their verbal skills are outmatched only by their oral skills,” Eyedealism says. “Like Sagittarius, they’re very noncommittal. Since Mars is opposite their sun and Sagittarius (in March), they will definitely—well males will—have to hit the Viagra that month.”

Cancer

June 21 to July 22

“Cancers will definitely be sobbing in their beer at the bar,” Eyedealism says. “They’re total bar flies. They get all emo over their cocktails.”

Things will be going well for Cancers at the beginning of the month when the sun is in Pisces, and Jupiter’s presence is lucky for them as well. But, since Saturn is opposing their sun, “Cancers will have to protect themselves from rejection in March,” Eyedealism says. “But since they’re masochists that’s fine. Great for Scorpios because Scorpios are sadists. They’re made for each other.”

Leo

July 23 to August 22

Eyedealism classifies Leos as the attention seeking “braggarts, the loud one at the end of the bar.” They “like to have their posse around them,” and they tend to go after what (or who) they want.

“In later March they have more luck, because when the sun goes into Aries, that’s going to be on the 21st. It’s [a] good association with the Leo energy,” Eyedealism says. Aries, a fire sign like Leo, will bring all the fire signs up because “fire signs ignite the signs of others. Mars is in Sagittarius, stoking their fires. Mars is one of the sexual—the schlong if you will—planets of the zodiac. That’s good for stoking the fires of Leos, Sagittariuses and Aries.”

Virgo

August 23 to September 22 

Eyedealism has two words for Virgos: “Good luck.” The sun will be in Pisces for most of March until it goes into Aries in late March, and the sun will be opposite the Virgo sun. “Virgo will definitely have to try harder to get laid, and they need to try harder in general,” Eyedealism says. “They need to go to charm school basically. They tend to put their foot in it and be critical, and critical does not get you laid.”

“March is not their month,” she continues. “Love, just like everything else to them, is transactional. They’re such hoes. They ride the opposite passageway as Pisces. They act all squeaky clean but they are into transactions. People with Venus in Virgo are most likely to be single and hoes.”

Libra

September 23 to October 22 

Libras always tend to have an easier time finding love at the bar than other signs because they’re ruled by Venus, the planet of love, and are the sign of love, Eyedealism says. To make things even more promising, there’s a full moon in Libra on March 31.

“They’re excellent at schmoozing. That’s why bar life is great for a Libra,” she says. “Kidneys are their weak point, so mix alcohol with water. Very great on the social scene. The most social sign. Good at schmoozing, hooking up and introducing people. All about love.”

Scorpio

October 23 to November 21 

Scorpios are in luck: Jupiter, the good luck planet, is in the sign of Scorpio until the fall. Plus, Eyedealism says, they have luck in general when it comes to love and going out since they are the sign of sex. More bluntly: “So if they can’t get laid in March, nobody is going to get laid in March.”

Sagittarius

November 22 to December 21 

Mars is in Sagittarius’ sign until March 17 when it passes to Capricorn, and Mars will make people in the sign very excited to pursue their object of desire. Although, Sagittariuses tend to be very noncommittal, Eyedealism says, and more into freedom and independence.

“Casual bar sex—they never have any problems,” Eyedealism says. “They’re the rock stars of the zodiac. Trying to get them to make commitment, that’s another story. No strings sex that’s fine. Mars is going to be helpful for Sagittarius sexual enterprise. And when Venus goes into Aries, that will be very helpful because fire brings fire.”

Capricorn

December 22 to January 19 

Saturn is in Capricorn’s sign in March, making them gloomy and feel the need to reconnect with people. “Capricorn will get laid if they embrace their inner goth,” Eyedealism says. “The moody loners will be forced out of solitude.”

Aquarius

January 20 to February 18 

“Aquarius will have a bit more luck when the sun goes into Aries in the later half of the month,” Eyedealism says. “Aries forms a sextile (a positive association between signs) that will warm up the aloof intellectual Aquarians. If they can stop thinking, they can get laid. They need lots of fire and distraction, and that makes them stop thinking. It’s not the most physical sign—until it is.”

Something to be aware of is that Lilith, the “divide and conquer asteroid,” will be in the sign of Aquarius in March. Lilith likes to break couples up and start trouble, so be cautious when inviting a third party over.