As the age-old adage goes, nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of folks still bellied up to the bar at last call—and boy, are they a fun bunch. Here is every type of person you’ll see at closing time.
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This is the couple that met at the bar and, after briefly talking, have not parted lips. It’s 10 minutes until 4 a.m. and the wet sloppy kisses have moved into heavy petting territory. Not to be clichéd, but get a room—or go home to your own.
The Guy That Won’t Leave Because He Still Thinks He’s Going to Hook Up
This guy is looking for love (or something like it) in all the wrong places—like an empty bar at 3:45 a.m. It’s not going to happen, brosef. It’s time to go home. All the single ladies left, like, five hours ago.
The Late Comers
There’s always two guys that show up to a bar one minute before last call, acting like it’s 9 p.m. They stroll in, totally nonchalant, unaware of the time or anyone outside of their microcosm. Really, guys? Ok. Just one drink, and then were all going home.
The Miraculously Sober Guy
Also known as the Career Drinker, this barroom regular wants to make sure he gets his fill before retreating home—which means he’s staying until the bartender tells him otherwise. This type of person usually shows no signs of intoxication, even if they’ve had 15 Manhattans and over a gallon of beer in the last five hours—probably because, over the years, all the blood in their body has been replaced with alcohol.
The Party Girls
The bartender has already asked them to keep it down. Everyone near them has left out of sheer annoyance. And yet, they keep on screeching and screaming and screech-screaming. We get it: You and Britney and Becki and Barbie and Brandy haven’t seen each other in, like, forever, but judging by the noise level, you should probably lay off the Cosmos and head home.
The Bartender’s Friend(s)
It’s not uncommon for the bartender’s crew to arrive at the bar around last call in anticipation of after-hours shenanigans. Not only will they be here until the bitter end, they’ll have the privilege of helping the bartender close up. You didn’t think their drinks were really free, did you?
The Passed Out Guy
Unlike the Miraculously Sober Guy, this individual just can’t handle his liquor and instantly becomes narcoleptic after one beer. As comfortable as that solid oak bar top is, it’s time to wake up or face being dragged out by the bartender.
The Single Girl (or Guy) Waiting for the Bartender to Get Off Work
This is not a game in which whoever waits the longest wins a date with the bartender. If he or she was interested, you would know. They would tell you to meet them after work, or give you their number—not glare at you from across the bar while you continue to nurse your Negroni for hours. This is why bouncers exist.