The Best Things Sterling Archer Ever Said About Booze

FX Networks / youtube
FX Networks / youtube

When Archer isn’t drinking, he’s talking about drinking. And while his fellow spies and co-workers seem less than thrilled by most of his antics, the world’s greatest spy often leaves behind koans of cartoon wisdom in his boozy wake. Here are the best Archer quotes about drinking, boozing, hangovers and everything in between.

On All-Day Drinking

Lana: “You pounded two $300 bottles of Glengoolie frickin’ blue, then passing out totally naked on the bed for a … what did you call it?”
Archer: “Power blackout, and you’re welcome.”

On Quitting Drinking

“I’m scared that if I stop all at once, the cumulative hangover will literally kill me.”

On the Holiest of Hangover Cures

“Forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry god. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now, at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.”

On Zima

“I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss the Zima.”

On a Balanced Diet

“All I’ve had today is like six gummy bears and some scotch.”

On Romance

Archer: “Lana, I’m in love with you.”
Lana: “You are also shitfaced.”
Archer: “I can be both.”

“A Martini is made with gin. If your Martini is made with vodka, it is not, in fact, a Martini. And odds are that you have a vagina.”

On Boozy Boating

“Who could forgive a person who buys a boat this big with no bar on it?”

On Conundrums

Archer: “Get me drunk enough and I might have sex with you.”
Pam: “Really?”
Archer: “No! It’s a catch-22. The amount of alcohol it would take would literally kill me!”

On Cocktail Onions

Malory: “I’m starving.”
Archer: “Oh, please. The only thing you eat is cocktail onions.”

On a Lovely Cup of Tea

“Oh good. You're making tea. 'Cause I could use some with honey and lemon. And bourbon. But actually, without the honey and lemon. And the tea.”

On Life’s Greatest Passion

Cecil Vandertunt: “At 7 a.m., you care for bourbon?”
Archer: “Deeply.”

On Desperate Times

“I doubt the robot has any bourbon, and I'm not really in the mood for a WD-40 and Coke. Unless that is, literally, the only thing to drink.