It’s your birthday. Congratulations, you made it through another year and now you want to celebrate. I get it. I’m not stopping you. Go ahead and have a party at home or rent out a back room at a restaurant or just spend a pleasant evening with a couple of friends at a quiet cocktail den. But please, don’t have a full-on birthday party at a bar—especially not the one I’m in. Call me a curmudgeon. I don’t care. But your birthday is ruining my (and really everyone’s) night out. Here’s why.
The Birthday Song Is Not a Good Song
It doesn’t matter if you’re wailing out “Happy Birthday” classic or clapping through some staccato variation. It’s just not a good song, and it kills the whole bar’s vibe. Plus, it’s rarely sung in dulcet tones. It’s almost always screamed directly into my ear just as I’m taking a sip of my Martini—at least, that’s how it feels.
Your Balloons Are Always in the Way
I know you didn’t ask for balloons, but someone brought them. Someone always brings them. And they always wind up creeping up behind me like some silent stalker. It doesn’t matter if you tie them to a chair, the air conditioning will blow them my way. I’ll get caught up in their shiny strings and make a fool out of myself, and then you’ll all laugh like it’s funny, but it’s not.
You Will Inevitably Get Too Tipsy
You say you don’t want shots, but we all know they’re inevitable. And then you’ll be pumped full of Fireball, yelling about how it’s your birthday and how you’re “so old” and “woooooo.”
You and Your Party Think You Own the Place
Just because you’ve taken another trip around the sun doesn’t mean the bar is your living room. Get your feet off the seat, stop rearranging all the tables, and keep to your area.
Your Presents Are Taking up Valuable Space
Space in a bar is limited and your presents, festive and fun as they look, don’t need their own table. But don’t just put them on the floor either. Because I will definitely step on them (by accident … probably), and that’ll be a whole thing. Next time, if you insist on throwing a bar bash, tell people to just buy you drinks.
Constant Pictures Make Getting Around the Bar Difficult
I’m just trying to go to the bathroom, but first I have to navigate my way through a minefield of selfies and “crazy” group shots. And then it’s the same thing on the way back to my seat. It’s worse than LA traffic! (Look what you did. You drove me to hack 1980s style comedy! You monster!)
Cake Doesn’t Belong in a Bar
Wings? Yes. Fries? Yes. Nuts? Popcorn? Party mix? Of course. But cake, with its messy frosting, massive surface area and accompanying forks, plates and giant knife? No. Get it out of here.