The 11 Unspoken Rules of Bottomless Brunch
Brunch is a Martha Stewart -approved event with baskets of baked goods and frothy lattes and fresh juice with linen napkins and perhaps a Bellini or two. Boozy brunch, on the other hand, is an orgy of bacon and benedicts and bottomless Bloody Marys. It’s a sacred Sunday ritual in cities across the country, and it’s not for the faint of heart. But as raucous as boozy brunch is, it does come with some guidelines. Here, the unspoken laws of boozy brunch we all must follow.
Understand the Rules Before You Order
Some bottomless brunch spots insist you commit to a cocktail at the beginning of the meal. Make sure you take this into consideration when choosing your cocktail-paved path. Because one Bloody Mary is great, but once you get to the third or fourth drink, you start thinking about how you’re really just drinking spiked, spicy tomato juice and things can start to get uncomfortable.
Don’t Double Fist (Just Order by the Pitcher)
You’re trying to be as efficient as possible—respect. But double or triple or quadruple fisting is just tacky. To save your server the time and energy of returning to your table every 11 minutes to refill your glass, order a pitcherful of drinks instead. That way, said server will only have to visit you every 20 minutes or so for refills.
Don’t Order Anything Healthy Like Yogurt and Fruit
The drinks will continue to come as long as you still have food on your plate. Take your time. Eat your Belgian waffle tiny square by tiny square. Really make sure you sop up all that eggy goodness. Savor those hash browns potato shred by potato shred.
But Don’t Stay for More Than Two Hours
While you should definitely make sure you get your money’s worth, you shouldn’t overstay your welcome. You’re there to eat brunch, drink all of the Mimosas and leave full of cheesy eggs and slightly watered down Bloodies.
Don’t Order Anything More Complicated Than a Bloody Mary
Being a bartender during a bottomless brunch shift is a thankless job. Keep your expectations low and your drink orders simple. If the cocktail calls for anything more than two ingredients, skip it. Stick to the staples: Mimosas, Bloody Marys and Bellinis.
Don’t Drink Straight Liquor
Yes, it’s a simple order, but come on—it’s not even 2 p.m. yet. No Fireball shots. No “breakfast whiskey.” No vodka on the rocks no matter how much it just looks like you’re drinking water.
Boozy Brunch Should Not Cost More Than $25
All you get for spending more money on boozy brunch is disappointment. You’re paying for decent eggs and a few bottles of $3 sparkling wine, and that shouldn’t run you more than $25.
Don’t Wear High Heels
You’re just asking for trouble when you bring those mini foot stilts into the equation. Bottomless brunch requires sturdy shoes, preferably with a grippy, rubber sole.
Don’t Complain About the Noise Level
Bottomless brunches are never, ever quiet. You cannot silence a rowdy group of 20-somethings after three rounds of brunchtails. So don’t complain, because after a couple of Mimosas you’ll be yelling about something equally inane like why a hot dog is not a sandwich.
You Are Allowed to Wear Your Sunglasses Indoors
This is the one time when no one can judge you for wearing your shades inside. Go ahead and hide your bloodshot eyes. Boozy brunch don’t care.