Nicolas Cage, the debatably-real, feasibly-immortal, impossibly-loud thespian, philanthropist, and American hero, has spent his entire career weirding us out. From his freakout in Moonstruck, to his freakout in Vampire's Kiss, Cage has made a name for himself as the guy whose unbridled passion outweighs his bizarre personal life. Kinda.
While it's no secret that most celebrities are out of their damned minds, Cage has reinvented the wheel with his diet of animals that have "dignified" sex, as well as a plethora of insane purchases. Because we can't get enough of this nut job, we've compiled every downright absurd purchase ol' Nick has made in his 10,000+ years on Earth.
This Pizza Is Covered in Fish Jerky
1. Two albino king cobras
Not one, but two. Two snakes! Sources say Cage allegedly had the anti-venom handy just in case things got hairy. Untrusted sources said he’d use the snakes for sex stuff.
2. A Gulfstream jet
It says a lot about a person when their least ridiculous purchase is a Gulfstream jet. I guess it makes sense in retrospect—how else are you going to get from Middle Earth to Narnia in under six hours?
3. Pygmy shrunken heads
According to the visitors who’ve made it out of the erratic actor’s pleasure dome, Nic Cage has a collection of pygmy shrunken heads specifically for unknown purposes. We suspect they’re to aid in the making of “getting head” jokes with ease.
4. The first Superman comic
Cage apparently had a comic book collection worth over $1.6 million dollars—including Action Comics #1, which marks the very first appearance of Superman, and Detective Comics 38, which introduced Batman’s BFF Robin.
5. A pyramid tombstone
Yep. A 9-foot-tall pyramid-shaped tomb in New Orleans emblazoned with the Latin phrase “Omni Ab Uno,” which translates to “Everything From One.” This, of course, references Cage’s omnipotence and de facto ownership of everything in the universe. There's also a map to it on the Dollar Bill that you can find if you look really hard.
6. A 67-million-year-old Tarbosaurus skull
Legend has it that Nic Cage outbid Leonardo DiCaprio for this Jurassic perk (lol) valued at over $300,000. However, it was later found out that the skull’s roots trace back to the black market. In other news, there’s a black market for dinosaur parts.
7. An octopus
He owned an octopus. Who desires the company of an octopus? It is very unclear.
8. A shark
Why go through the anguish of waiting all year for Shark Week when you can have it every day?! Sources say he named one “Bitey.” And by "sources," I mean "me."
9. A crocodile
Guests frequently described Cage’s house as a zoo due to his weird bevy of exotic animals—which would make the addition of a crocodile totally normal. So, really, everything’s fine. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.
10. A private island
Better yet, a private island next door to Johnny Depp’s private island. Celebrities—they’re not at all like us!
11. A haunted murder mansion
Okay, so it’s time to take a big ol' toke from the history-pipe. In the 1800s, there was a socialite serial killer named Madame LaLaurie—the basis of Kathy Bates’ character in American Horror Story: Coven. The house where she lived, killed, and tortured slaves still stands to this day in New Orleans and was purchased by Nicolas Cage in 2006 for a sum of $3.45 million. It's haunted.
12. The Shah of Iran’s Lamborghini
Ah, the 1990s—a time of decadence, wonder, and unbridled passion. In 1997, Nicolas Cage bought a Lamborghini Miura SVJ, for $450,000 that used to belong to the late Shah of Iran. It’s that age old saying: “If you’re going to blow half a million dollars on a luxury car, make sure a Shah’s blessed it beforehand.”
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor. Follow him on Twitter, because of peer pressure: @CandyandPizza.