There’s no shame in drinking at 9 a.m.—as long as you have a good reason. While we would never support swapping out your morning cup of coffee for a pre-work Martini or pounding a Manhattan before your a.m. jog, we do support your right to belly up to the bar in the wee small hours of the morning if one of these scenarios applies:
You’re Tailgating a Sports Game
If the game’s at noon, then the tailgate starts at 9 a.m. There’s just no way around it. So go ahead and have those beers or Bloodys or nips from the old flask—to not do so would be practically un-American. There are a few caveats with this rule, though. You have to be at an actual tailgate outside of an actual sports game—the back of your truck in your driveway does not count and neither does your living room. If you are at home, wait until the game starts to start drinking (a great reason to get into European soccer).
You’re Coming Off a Third Shift
If your day starts at midnight then 9 a.m. is your happy hour. You might get some side eye walking into a bar as others are ducking into a Starbucks, but who cares what they think? You had a hard night at work and you deserve the same liquid relief that they get to enjoy at a more socially acceptable time.
You’re at an Airport, and Your Body Thinks It’s 5 p.m.
Jet lag can be hard enough, so why deny yourself the “evening” drink your body craves? Time is a flat circle, after all, and in this case it really is five o’clock somewhere—within your actual brain chemistry. If you’re slogging through an early morning layover after a cross-country flight, by all means take advantage of the nearest terminal pub.
The Party Isn’t Over
The sun came up hours ago but the party is far from over. It would be downright rude of you to skip out now. Grab that Vodka-Red Bull and get back on the dance floor, because in three years, you won’t be able to party until midnight—let alone 9 a.m. Trust us.
You Just Got Fired, Your S.O. Dumped You, Your Dog Died and Taco Bell Isn’t Open Yet
Sometimes in life, you hit a rough patch and if you can’t self-medicate by squeezing the contents of a five-layer burrito directly down your throat, then go ahead and make yourself an Irish Coffee or a boozy milkshake. But tomorrow, you shower and start looking for a new job or, at least, a new puppy.
Honorable Mention: It’s Your Job
If you work in the liquor industry, like us, there are occasions that call for a 9 a.m. nip of whiskey or sip of a cocktail—for tasting purposes only. We do it for you and your reading pleasure. You’re welcome.