18 Things Your Dad Screamed In The Car, Ranked

By Jeremy Glass

Published on 4/29/2015 at 12:57 PM

Ahhh...to be a kid in the back of a car again. The fast food, the punch buggies, those dingy rest stop bathrooms, listlessly flipping through radio stations, and the sweet sounds of your father's shrill voice echoing throughout the hull of his 1998 Ford Taurus.

Nostalgia's a hell of a drug, and we hope you'll agree once you rifle through these excruciating exclamations made popular by your father in the mid-to-late 90s. And you know what, young man? If you don't like it, I'm gonna turn this whole website around. 

18. "Look at this clown! Use your blinkers, buddy!"

17. "Take your head out of your ass and drive, pal!"

16. "I didn’t know they issued licenses to IDIOTS!"

15. "Where’d you learn to drive? Mars?!"

14. "How'd you merge on the highway with your head so far up your ASS?!"

13. "I’m going to stop this car faster than you can say, 'Forest Green ‘98 Ford Taurus'!"

12. "We’re not stopping, Sarah, you just peed at Wendy’s!"

11. "What are you? Blind?! Keep your eyes on the road, buddy!"

10. "Hold my Snapple, Sarah, I’m going to write down this joker’s plates."

9. "If you kids don’t pipe down, I’m going to pull this car over and leave you all on the side of the road and you'll all be orphans." 

8. "We’re not stopping for food, Matty, you just got food at Cracker Barrel!"

7. "So help me god, I will drive this immaculate ‘98 Ford Taurus to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean if you kids don’t shut your dirty mouths."

6. "What’s that smell? Is that puke? Did someone Puke? Ryan? Sarah? Matty? Lauren? Derek?"

5. "We're not pulling over to pee again. You all just peed. Hold it in!" 

4. "Do you kids want me to call your mother? So help me god, I’ll call her faster than you can say 'Gently used 1998 Ford Taurus in excellent condition—$2500 or best offer'!"

3. "Stop fiddling with the radio!"

2. "I’ll give you kids something to cry about!"

1. "I swear to god, I'm going to turn this car around!"

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and will deny everything when his father asks.