Food & Drink

11 Drinking Lessons We Learned From “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”

the Damned / youtube

The gang down at Paddy’s Pub basically spend all day everyday at the bar, so they’ve picked up a few tricks over many (many, many) hours of drinking. Normally we wouldn’t trust any nuggets of advice outside of the beer (and other mysterious substances) soaked walls of Paddy’s, but when it comes to boozy pro tips, the show is unquestionably an expert source. Here are 11 valuable lessons the gang taught us about drinking.

Load up on Riot Juice Before Any Sporting Event

Proud Philly sports fans have become infamous for crazy riots after a big win, or a tough loss, or really any time anyone does anything with a ballor puck. Being Philly natives themselves, the gang developed a custom punch for the inevitable chaos called “Riot Juice,” which gets its heft from good ol’ grain alcohol. Best enjoyed before a tussle or if you’d rather not remember whatever event you’re attending.

Eat Your Booze to Get Ham-mered

Mac put it best: “God damn it, Frank. Eating your drinks? That is genius.” Ham soaked in rum is a dish of boozy kings, one best enjoyed far out to sea so as to avoid sharing with mangy beach dogs. Just be sure to keep a tight grip on your spiked meats on rough waters. You don’t want to have to go into “survival mode.”

Upcycle at the Bar by Burning Trash

Paddy’s Pub takes responsible, environmental practices as serious as any eco-friendly watering hole. After Mac or Dennis dispose of the trash in the dumpster, Charlie takes it back out and gets rid of it in the greenest way possible: by burning it, which simultaneously heats the bar, fills the bar with that signature smoky aroma, and releases smoke into the sky where it turns into stars.

Drink Alcoholic Milk to Fight Like a Crow

Fight Milk is the “first alcoholic, dairy-based protein drink for bodyguards, by bodyguards...and Charlie.” While Charlie and Mac’s investors don’t seem to understand the value of a boozy post-gym shake, Fight Milk remains the preferred alcoholic beverage of Irish pub enforcers all across one square block of Philadelphia. Made fresh from milk, clear spirits and crow’s eggs, Fight Milk should be drunk every morning if you too want to fight like a crow. It’s the perfect way to turn up and bulk up.

Take Shots out of Shotguns

As we learned from Paddy’s epic infomercial, shots were intended to be drunk from the business end of a shotgun. Blasting booze all over your face and the bar is the quickest way to get “wasted,” if not the most efficient. You can shotgun a beer anywhere, but you can only shotgun a shot at Paddy’s.

Don’t Black Out, Brown Out

You may have had nights that seem a little foggy upon recollection the next day. Such evenings remembered in pieces aren’t quite “blackouts,” as your friends might accuse, but you certainly couldn’t recount every detail if put to the test. So Mac invented the perfect middle ground to describe that fuzzy feeling: browning out. Not as severe as a blackout.

Don’t Drink Paint

Charlie’s genius is often undervalued. For example, using paint instead of food coloring to dye beer green for St. Patrick’s Day. After all, beer isn’t a food, and paint makes things green. The logic is sound. But all kidding aside, you probably shouldn’t drink paint. Or can you? No, you can’t. Maybe just a little? No. OK, no—it’s not cool. It’s never cool. Alright, not cool for you, but for us? Nope. Fine, we won’t drink paint in front of you. We hear ya.

Straight Mixers Are Drinks Too

While a bottle full of bright orange juice may initially signal “Screwdrivers” in your head, not all OJ is spiked with vodka. Some people actually drink the stuff without the alcohol. We’re not sure why, but straight mixers are apparently a thing now. Frank even admits to drinking a diet cola mixer, which is an offbeat drink worth trying yourself one day when you’re feeling funky.

Respect Wade Bogg’s Drink Record

Legend tells of Wade Boggs, the third baseman for the Boston Red Sox who once drank a gut-exploding “50, 60, even 70” beers on a cross-country flight. When the gang attempted to break the Hall of Famer’s record, they soon found that Wade Boggs—may he rest in peace, maybe—was the true master of in-flight drinking. Should you attempt the record yourself, know that the brewski count in the story is highly disputed, with Boggs himself eventually revealing to Charlie (Day) that the true number was 107.

Wine is Best Enjoyed Out of a Diet Coke Can

Don’t get us wrong, the traditional wine glass has its advantages, like classing up a joint, aeration, whatever. But if you can look past superficial “decorum” to true utilitarian design, a soda can holds your booze just as well while allowing you to gesticulate as wildly as you like. Decant your boxed wine the next time you feel like drinking free of encumbering glassware.

Don't Forget to Practice Your Flip Cup Game

Flip Cup is the drinking game of kings—er, well King's Cup (aka Ring of Fire) is the game of kings, but Flip Cup is the game of true Flipadelphians. It's incumbent upon every self-respecting drinking gamer to practice their technique, or else suffer a mid-game double-cross.