I Talked To Some Urologists About Those Last Few Drops
I don’t wear khaki pants anymore. I used to rattle off excuses about how the off-beige color makes me look like the district manager at Old Navy, but I can’t lie anymore. I don’t wear khakis, or any light-colored pants anymore, because I dribble so much I feel like a point guard.
Guys, you know what I’m talking about. You’re at the urinal and you’ve just wrapped up a wonderful piss session. You mercilessly shake your tool, nearly positive you’ve extricated all the pee from your bladder and then—the moment you put your member away—those last few drops come out and ruin your day. I know that rhymed, but I know an even better one: “No matter how many times you shake and dance, the last few drops end up in your pants.” Ugh.
I’m in the business of getting to the source of problems, so I sought out the help of Dr. Stacy Loeb, Assistant Professor of Urology and Population Health at New York University, and Dr. Ben Brucker, Assistant Professor of Urology and Obstetrics & Gynecology at NYU Langone Medical Center, to help me figure out why it’s so hard for guys to pee correctly.
Pull those pants all the way down
Remember back in elementary school when everyone pulled their undies down to their shoes at the urinal? Turns out this might be the solution.
“Men may not pull their underwear all the way off," says Dr. Brucker, “so you have a tight underwear band against the bottom part of the penis, and so you’re adding more resistance once the bladder’s done emptying and you’re not allowing gravity to let all the urine out.”
“You have a tight underwear band against the bottom part of the penis...so you’re not allowing gravity to let all the urine out.”
Dr. Loeb agrees: “It is important to make sure there is no constriction around the urethra while you are trying to urinate.” This means ditching the hard grip and stop threading your schlong through the zipper-hole. “You need to relax completely and be patient in the bathroom until you are completely finished urinating. Many young people are in a hurry and simply do not empty their urine all the way.”
Penises are actually poorly designed
Dr. Brucker tells me that those inevitable spots on your khakis are the fault of your very own penis!
“Most of the difficulty comes from the male anatomy—the penis and the prostatic urethra—which make up the sort of passageway to the penis that is actually quite long. The phallus can be several inches and the prostate a few inches on top of that.”
Brucker continues, “The urethra is not contractile, it’s just a tube. So, once you’re done squeezing, those last few drops are like a hose in the backyard—once you turn off the spigot, there’s always some fluid trapped in the hose that will dump out after the fact.”
Knowing that, I guess it's an uphill battle for everyone. But what if your penis is extra-long? Surely, there must be a downside to owning a gigantic phallus.
“I would say it’s probably not something we’ve actually looked at or studied," says Brucker. “Theoretically the more space someone has [in their penis], the more volume that can potentially get trapped. Usually it’s only a few drops of urine, but when you take the time to allow those drops to come out as opposed to running out of the bathroom, you can fix the problem."
Relax, be patient, and consider sitting down
I attribute my bathroom issues to the constant threat of having to make small talk—I’m talking about peeing in an office setting, of course; no one talks to me mid-stream at home. Talking to your boss about trivial matters with your dick out makes urinating like solving a Rubik’s cube blindfolded, so I try to run away as quickly as possible.
This anxiety and hurry coupled with the male member’s shoddy construction really works against us, so Dr. Loeb stresses the importance of patience: “Be very patient in the bathroom to make sure that [you] have completely finished urinating before they leave.”
If that’s not enough on it’s own, make sure you’re relaxed. “It is important to relax so that the urine can get out," says Dr. Loeb. “Sitting down is one option.” This is the only time her lack of personal experience in the matter manifested itself. I’d rather not sit down to pee because it makes me feel like a five-year-old girl and I don’t think that’s the direction I want to go in the bathroom.
So, does ‘the shake’ even work?
With all this talk about spraying, anatomical mutations, and criminally-tight underwear bands, you’ve got to wonder if there’s any point to shaking in the first place. Does it even work? Should I be doing something else?
"Time is important, gravity helps, shaking, tapping, or trying to milk the urethra is helpful.”
“I don’t think there’s a preferred medical method,” says Dr. Brucker. “I think the concept is, you want to make sure nothing is compressing or impeding the flow of urine. Let gravity work its course. Just tailor it to how it works for you. Time is important, gravity helps, shaking, tapping, or trying to milk the urethra is helpful.”
Milking? My god.
It’s going to get much worse
Unfortunately, the future is marked with spots, dribbles, and embarrassment.
“With older men, you’re expected to have problems with your body,” says Dr. Loeb. “Your joints get rusty, your hair falls out, and your wrinkly skin makes it looks like you’re wearing an Edgar suit.
Simply put, your body goes to shit when you get older—especially your penis.
“For older men, the reason is usually the prostate," says Loeb, “The prostate is an organ that surrounds the urethra, the tube that you urinate through. As men age, the prostate often grows and squeezes on the tube. This makes the opening narrower for the urine to flow out, like if something is pushing on the outside of a straw.”
So does the doctors' advice work?
After carefully absorbing the words from my two wonderful new urologist friends, I decided to put their advice to test and make use of the can of Diet Coke I consumed an hour before typing this article up.
I went into the office bathroom, unzipped, unbuttoned, threw those pantaloons to the ground, closed my eyes, and made some sweet yellow. I calmly waited until I was finished to start any semblance of a shake. With a grip akin to holding a newborn puppy, I shook Ladybird (the name of my penis) until I was positive all urine had been expelled from my body. I opened my eyes, sighed in relaxation, pulled up my trousers, buttoned them up, zipped, and looked down.
One. Stray. Drip. Ugh. Even with expert advice, there is no avoiding those last few drops. The drip is as old as the universe itself and, like your grandfather's stance on integration, will never change. In a way it's comforting; this is a part of life that every man can relate to.
Jeremy Glass is Supercompressor's penis-obsessed staff writer; he has hobbies, goals, and a penis.
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