Penises are actually poorly designed
Dr. Brucker tells me that those inevitable spots on your khakis are the fault of your very own penis!
“Most of the difficulty comes from the male anatomy—the penis and the prostatic urethra—which make up the sort of passageway to the penis that is actually quite long. The phallus can be several inches and the prostate a few inches on top of that.”
Brucker continues, “The urethra is not contractile, it’s just a tube. So, once you’re done squeezing, those last few drops are like a hose in the backyard—once you turn off the spigot, there’s always some fluid trapped in the hose that will dump out after the fact.”
Knowing that, I guess it's an uphill battle for everyone. But what if your penis is extra-long? Surely, there must be a downside to owning a gigantic phallus.
“I would say it’s probably not something we’ve actually looked at or studied," says Brucker. “Theoretically the more space someone has [in their penis], the more volume that can potentially get trapped. Usually it’s only a few drops of urine, but when you take the time to allow those drops to come out as opposed to running out of the bathroom, you can fix the problem."
Relax, be patient, and consider sitting down
I attribute my bathroom issues to the constant threat of having to make small talk—I’m talking about peeing in an office setting, of course; no one talks to me mid-stream at home. Talking to your boss about trivial matters with your dick out makes urinating like solving a Rubik’s cube blindfolded, so I try to run away as quickly as possible.
This anxiety and hurry coupled with the male member’s shoddy construction really works against us, so Dr. Loeb stresses the importance of patience: “Be very patient in the bathroom to make sure that [you] have completely finished urinating before they leave.”
If that’s not enough on it’s own, make sure you’re relaxed. “It is important to relax so that the urine can get out," says Dr. Loeb. “Sitting down is one option.” This is the only time her lack of personal experience in the matter manifested itself. I’d rather not sit down to pee because it makes me feel like a five-year-old girl and I don’t think that’s the direction I want to go in the bathroom.
So, does ‘the shake’ even work?
With all this talk about spraying, anatomical mutations, and criminally-tight underwear bands, you’ve got to wonder if there’s any point to shaking in the first place. Does it even work? Should I be doing something else?