It goes without saying that the Ten Commandments could use a couple of vital edits. What if thy neighbor's wife is a total babe and I can't control my coveting? What if one happens to steal something in a totally hilarious way? These stone tablets, which purport to outline the most important rules in life, don't even touch upon modern issues like social media, the stance on prolonged Netflix binges, or driving.
Whatever higher power lurks above us knows that not everyone was born to be a good driver—let alone a driver who's competent enough to navigate through traffic. So—because Morgan Freeman was busy and Charlton Heston is dead—we put together the ten commandments of driving to help guide you (literally) down the right road.
1. Thou Shalt Not Be A Dick To Truckers, They Can End Thee
These men and women are the backbone of America's infrastructure and work endless hours driving your crap from sea to shining sea. Remember when they'd honk for you when you did that arm thing as a kid? Be nice to them and, hopefully, they won't flatten you into a pancake.
2. Thou Shalt Not Drive When Thy Is Like 90 Years Old
When you're almost a century old, you have to give up on common luxuries like vision, hearing, and quick reflexes—all of which are 100 percent necessary for defensive driving. On the bright side, you have decades of wisdom...which is nice.
3. Thou Shalt Not Use The Left Lane Unless Passing
Europe has had this sh*t figured out for ever. Why can't we get on their level?
4. Thou Shalt Put The F***ing Cell Phone Down
Not only is it against the law, but you're allegedly six times worse at driving while texting vs while drunk. And you really suck at driving drunk.
5. Thou Shalt Not Drive A PT Cruiser
If elected president, I would not rest until every single bulbous PT Cruiser was removed from the road and melted into goo.
6. Thou Shalt Not Leave Too Many Car Lengths In Between Cars
There's a happy place between tailgating and losing the race. Find that place. Know that place. Love that place. Cherish that place.
7. Thou Shalt Not Smoke Cigarettes With The Windows Closed While Driving
Four out of five Marlboro men agree. Too soon?
8. Thou Shalt Not Forget To Use Thy Goddamn Turn Signals
There's a special spot in Hell for people that change lanes without signaling. Their reckless behavior nearly guarantees they'll be rapping at the door sooner rather than later.
9. Thou Shalt Not Drive In Snow Sans Snow Tires
Your '98 Honda Civic is already playing man down when the weather turns sour, do it a favor and bolt on some tires that actually get the job done.
10. Thou Shalt Not Over Utilize Thou's Brake Pedal Whilst Traveling On The Highway
Unless you're in heavy traffic, banging the brakes at 60mph+ is a great way to guarantee that you'll one: need to replace your brake pads waaaay too frequently, and two: put murderous thoughts in the minds of everyone sharing the road with you.