How to Hammock
If you have a hammock, a drink and the will to succeed, then you—yes, you, dear uncoordinated reader—can successfully navigate the dangers of sitting in a hammock. Thanks to this handy guide, you will soon be floating high off the ground, drink in hand, on a cloud of boozy repose. The rest of your chilled out life begins today.
Step 1: Choosing a Hammock
The type of hammock you choose reflects immensely on your character. If you’re the type who likes a good Sea Breeze, you’ll want a rope hammock. The widespread ropes evoke life on the rugged sea. If you’re more of a Blood and Sand lady or gent, try a canvas hammock, perfect for relaxing while roughing it. If, on the other hand, you are light and delicate like an Aperol Spritz, opt for a silk or fine cotton hammock to swaddle you in luxury.
Step 2: Choosing Anchor Points
It is imperative that you tie your hammock to sturdy anchors. If you’re stringing your ‘mock up between two trees, don’t choose two little twigs that have barely sprouted their first branches. Pick battle-tested trees that have stood the test of time (and other hammocks). If you’re opting for wooden or steel poles, make sure they are well planted in the ground.
Step 3: Tying Your Knots
After scouring internet knot forums (there are a lot of them and they are filled with tense debates), we’ve decided the clove hitch with two half-hitches is the Supercall knot of choice for securing a hammock rope. Tie off your ropes so that the seat of the hammock is suspended at thigh height.
Step 4: Getting in
Now that you have selected the proper hammock and secured it between two stable anchors, it’s time to sit—with a drink in hand. First, aim your derrière at the center of the hammock and, very carefully, lower yourself into the fabric. Engage your core and slowly lift one leg, then the other and pivot your body so that your head is laying at one end and your feet are resting at the other. Congratulations, you are now laying in a hammock.
Step 5: Relaxing
It’s best not to risk placing your drink on the ground between sips. Instead, do like a sea otter cracking an urchin on its belly and use your midsection as an end table. Just make sure the bottom of your glass is dry before setting it on your shirt—which, we can only assume, is made of fine linen.
Step 6: Refilling
Many accomplished hammockers have sipped their way through a first round without error only to come undone when acquiring drink number two. Rather than repeat the entire process, call upon your lackies—sorry, friends. Reach your empty glass out of the hammock and call out “Garçon!” When your friends roll their eyes and glare, ask them politely for a top off.
Step 7: Getting out
You’re sufficiently refreshed and are at the end of your relaxation session. It’s time to exit the hammock. Keeping your drink (or, most likely, emptied glass of ice) elevated and away from you, swing one leg out and plant it firmly on the ground. This is your stabilizer. Swing your other leg around, recall your proper squat form from that one day you went to the gym, extend your drink in front of you to counterbalance your weight, engage your core once again and stand up.
Step 8: Brag
You are now a hammocking pro. Go forth and preach the good word.