That blasé attitude worked to Nixon’s advantage in ‘72. And I’m sure Trump is counting on there being enough slumbering slugs out there who’ll keep hitting the snooze button until they wake up one day to find their neighbors being rounded up and tossed over a giant wall.
Look, I know some of you are probably thinking, “Lighten up man. It’s just a stupid internet ad campaign for a cheesy cocktail.” You’re right. And Henry Kissinger was just an accounting major who won a Nobel peace prize and said cute stuff like, “Power is the great aphrodisiac,” and, “The illegal we do immediately, the unconstitutional takes a little longer.”
So I’ll be good and goddamned if I vote for Harvey Wallbanger. Because if we’re going to elect a cocktail to the presidency, we should at least make sure it’s a good one. Naturally, I’ve been over and over this, and I think I have a candidate. Old-Fashioned is too stuffy. Martini is in bed with Wall Street. Manhattan practically screams top one percent. No one takes Pina Colada seriously. Zombie just scares people.
To me, there’s only one choice: Rusty Got-damn Nail. Now there’s a cocktail that doesn’t suffer fools. One that makes you take stock of yourself and reminds us that greatness doesn’t come without sacrifice. Because let’s face it: Beyond a sense of civic duty, there’s really no reason to ever go near Drambuie.
“But wait!” I hear you screaming, “Rusty Nail wasn’t born in the good ole U.S. of A.!” In response, I’ll remind you that that little technicality didn’t stop Barack Hussein Hitler Obama. (Much to the chagrin of my Aunt Betty and her friend the mangelwurzel).
We’ve got a few months to go here, people. There’s still time for the Dump Wallbanger movement to take hold. The guy’s done enough damage. Hell, if I had my way, we’d just toss Rusty and Harvey into Thunderdome and stream the whole thing on pay-per-view for $100 a pop. Debt problem solved. Because, no matter what happens, it’s looking like we’re all going to have a hangover on Nov. 2. We may as well have a little fun along the way.
Dan Dunn plans to vote for Lassie again. Check out his latest book, American Wino: A Tale of Reds, Whites and One Man’s Blues. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram