Food & Drink

12 Best Drinking Quotes from Arrested Development’s Lucille Bluth

Say what you will about her parenting skills, but Lucille Bluth is undeniably a champion drinker. Most of her snide wit is delivered over the rim of a Vodka Martini or between glasses of wine. She even delivers snarky air quotes with a drink in hand.

Whether she’s putting down rivals in a drinking contest or turning her own intervention into an epic house party, Lucille doles out enough boozy wisdom to fill four seasons (and a Netflix reboot).

On breakfast

Lucille: “Get me a vodka rocks.”
Michael: “Mom, it's breakfast.”
Lucille: “And a piece of toast.”

On spa retreats

“Four saunas, three steam baths, Olympic-sized pool and you’re telling me there’s no alcohol? What the hell are we supposed to do for two days?”

On hospitals

Michael: “There isn't a hospital bar, mother.”

Lucille: “Well this is why people hate hospitals.”

On lunch

Lindsay: “Did you enjoy your meal, mom? You drank it fast enough.”

Lucille: “Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.”

On epic burns

When a flaming dessert arrives on the table …

Lucille: “You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.”

Lindsay: “That’s funny, because I was going to say you might want to lean away from that fire since you’re soaked in alcohol.”

Lucille: “Mine was better.”

On cleanliness

After a waiter holds Lucille’s wine glass incorrectly …

Lucille: “Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched I'd eat the inside of your ear.”

On rising early

“I’d have to get up pretty early to be drunk by one o’clock.”

On drinking contests

Lucille: “Tell you what. I’ll drink you for it.”

Kitty: “Ha, I heard you don’t handle your booze so well anymore.”

Lucille: “So this should be easy for you.”

[Lucille snags a shot of tequila from a passing tray and downs it.]

Lucille (shrugging): “That one doesn’t count.”

On fake waiters

Michael (to Gob): “How about you? Can you find some work?”
Gob: “Oh sure Michael. As what? A waiter?” *mock serving Lucille* “Can I get you something madam?”

[Everyone laughs]

Lucille: “I will have a vodka though.”

More on waiters

Narrator: “And Lucille was mingling with the elite of the Latino Television Academy.”
Lucille (to every passing Latino man in a suit): “Can I get a Vodka Tonic please? I’d like a Vodka Tonic please. Vodka Tonic please.”

(To herself): “A sea of waiters and no one will take a drink order.”

On rehab

Lucille (to Michael): “If alcohol’s the reason I’m here, I got news for you, bub. It’s the only reason you’re here too.”

On tragedy

Lucille: “Someone broke in again! The liquor is gone! All of it. Gone!”