Lifestyle

We Asked An Actuary Which Avenger Would Be The Hardest To Insure

Published On 05/01/2015 Published On 05/01/2015
The Avengers
Marvel

I try to enjoy Marvel's movies. I really do. But as I sit in the theater every summer, basking in the silver glow of Blockbuster hero-worship, only one thought revolves inside my mind: Great Odin's beard, these guys' insurance policies must be through the roof!

To confirm my suspicions, I enlisted the help of my good friend Timmy G, currently an active actuary at one of the largest insurance firms on the East Coast. He determines risk by mathematical equations and probability. I asked him to assemble and assess the potential risk of insuring the world's greatest superheroes, using a 30 point system, broken down into six categories rated from one to five—the higher the score, the riskier the Avenger.

Mureview

The point system, explained:

Part of Timmy's job is taking information about a person, and assessing risk based on statistics. He helped us whittle down a few key areas where we can judge and analyze our heroes in a quantifiable manner, on a scale of 1-5.

Pre-existing medical conditions: "Past history of illnesses, or even family history of illnesses."
Location: "We definitely factor environment into our calculations."
Exposure to danger: "All these guys are exposed to danger inherently, but some more so than others"
Occupation: "Most of the characters have day jobs, and we definitely take occupation into account."
Substance abuse: "This is a big one, as substance abuse of any kind can be extremely detrimental to one's health."
Lack of offsetting superpowers: "This is obviously unique to these characters, but you have to take into consideration the fact that a lot of these people have superpower attributes that would help ensure their health in dangerous situations, and over time. But some don't have any superpowers (like Hawkeye), so we need to add that into the equation for those individuals."

Marvel

7. Thor

Pre-existing medical conditions: 1/5
Location: 5/5
Exposure to danger: 3/5
Occupation: 4/5
Substance abuse: 1/5
Lack of offsetting superpowers: 1

Overall risk rating: 15/30

It shouldn't come as a surprise that the thunder god is the cheapest Avenger to insure, considering that he is in fact, a god. The only high ratings here are his location (living on the other side of universe—the side with killer ice giants—isn't congruent with safety) and occupation, because being a deity inherently comes with a little pressure. Substance abuse is no problem, seeing as gods don't get drunk, and his exposure to danger is only average, because he is relatively invulnerable. "Can he even die?" Timmy wonders. "He would get a great plan, the 'god rate' is not something we usually do, but I'm assuming it would be pretty low-risk on our part."

Marvel

6. Captain America

Pre-existing medical conditions: 4/5
Location: 4/5
Exposure to danger: 5/5
Occupation: 5/5
Substance abuse: 1/5
Lack of offsetting superpowers: 2/5

Overall risk rating: 21/30

The leader of the Avengers spent about half a century frozen solid, which can't be good for your circulation. But, despite the highly dangerous job as a globe-trotting super-soldier (as well as his penchant to put himself at the forefront of harm's way in every scuffle), his genetically-enhanced body has him in stellar shape, and you never have to worry about this boy scout indulging in any vices. "He has one of the most dangerous jobs and puts himself into danger constantly," Timmy G said, "but I get the feeling he takes care of himself when he's not fighting, and his powers should give him a long, natural life." Hopefully this child of the thirties got all his vaccines.

Marvel

5. Black Widow

Pre-existing medical conditions: 2/5
Location: 5/5
Exposure to danger: 4/5
Occupation: 5/5
Substance abuse: 1/5
Lack of offsetting superpowers: 5/5

Overall risk rating: 22/30

The only original female member of Marvel's team comes in near the top, despite her lack of superpowers and extremely dangerous profession (international spies tend to have a high mortality rate). Still, given the fact that women have a longer life expectancy, she's got a small leg up on her Y chromosome-packing brethren. "She's still a relatively young woman, and even though she has a dangerous job, she appears to be healthy, and without any substance abuse problems," said Tim regarding the duplicitous Russian soldier. 

Marvel

4. Nick Fury

Pre-existing medical conditions: 5/5
Location: 3/5
Exposure to danger: 2/5
Occupation: 5/5
Substance abuse: 3/5
Lack of offsetting superpower: 5/5

Overall risk rating: 23/30

The one-eyed manager of the group, Nick Fury, is by far the oldest, which definitely hurts his cause. He has no real superpowers to protect him, and, as the leader of S.H.I.E.L.D., he's under an extreme amount of pressure with his life in constant danger (as evidenced in Captain America: The Winter Soldier). But, as Timmy points out, he spends most of his time hovering safely above the scrum inside his flying fortress. "He got pretty messed up in the last movie, so there's some definite lingering health issues there," Timmy G said. I'm also going out on a limb, assuming Fury enjoys a stiff drink or two, on occasion. Probably because he's Sam "Mother F*cking" Jackson.

Marvel

3. The Hulk

Pre-existing medical conditions: 5/5
Location: 4/5
Exposure to danger: 5/5
Occupation: 5/5
Substance abuse: 4/5
Offsetting superpowers: 3/5

Overall risk rating: 26/30

You wouldn't like him when he's angry, so you probably wouldn't want to be around him when he gets his insurance claim. Bruce Banner is pretty mild mannered, it's his emerald-tinged alter ego that gets him in trouble. Not only that, but exposure to insanely high levels of radiation count as substance abuse in this case, and even though he's practically invulnerable as the Hulk, he inevitably will turn into a soft, squishy human once he cools down. "His recklessness as the Hulk would get his human side into a lot of sticky situations," Mr. G notes, "and being on the run, with no real home, is a lot of stress to deal with."

Marvel

2. Hawkeye

Pre-existing medical conditions: 5/5
Location: 3/5
Exposure to danger: 5/5
Occupation: 5/5
Substance abuse: 5/5
Lack of offsetting superpowers: 5/5

Overall risk rating: 28/30

The Ringo Starr of the Avengers crew, Hawkeye is basically a dude with a bow and arrow, fighting killer robots, demi-gods, and full-scale armies. Needless to say, he's pretty vulnerable. And that whole period where he was under the influence of Loki's magic had to have messed with his brain. "If anyone is going to die in battle, it's probably going to be Hawkeye. I'm not even sure what why he's there." Good point, Tim. 

1. Iron Man

Pre-existing medical conditions: 5/5
Location: 5/5
Exposure to danger: 5/5
Occupation: 5/5
Substance abuse: 5/5
Lack of offsetting superpowers: 5/5

Overall risk rating: 30/30

It's a good thing Tony Stark is a billionaire genius entrepreneur—because his wallet is about to be f*cked. On Timmy G's scale, Iron Man maxes out in every category. "He's reckless, has a messed up heart, an extremely stressful job, drinks a lot, and doesn't have any real superpowers—he's an insurance nightmare." Not to mention his house was blown up, so his living situation is in shambles. At least he still has shawarma. He'll always have shawarma. 


Wil Fulton is a staff writer for Supercompressor. His greatest superpower is caring too much. Follow him @WilFulton.

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