I don’t have the so-called “facts” to support it, but I do have a theory that people have been trying to sleep with robots for as long as there have been robots to sleep with. Advances in technology have shifted the sex toy industry from devices that were cold and industrial, to ones that are soft and squishy and even mimic human flesh. I mean, the Autoblow 2 exists, so real-life sexbots can’t be far behind.
No one knows how long it will take for that glorious day to arrive, so for now all we have are the depictions of sexbots in popular culture to invade our dreams...but just how doable are they? Allow me to answer this age-old question by ranking movie sexbots from least to most sex-able. It’s for the greater good.
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There’s a good chance that you’ve never heard of this 2002 film, but there is really only one thing you need to know: the robots run on semen. The cyborgs are clones of Tilda Swinton’s character, a biogeneticist named Rosetta Stone, and they need to keep their male chromosome reserves (which is monitored with a “Spermometer”) at a certain level or they will die. These robots would rank higher if it weren’t for the fact that all of their donors became impotent and developed rashes.
8. Brothel girls from Westworld
Basically, Westworld is an amusement park where men go to pay for sex with robots of the night. Unfortunately the deadpan sexbots don’t say much and their actions are a bit stilted. This naturally negatively impacts her doability. Later in the film, we learn that the robots can’t ingest liquids—leaving some really NSFW questions unanswered.
7. The Fembots from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye to a bullet from a boob gun. Frau Farbissina said that men can’t resist her fembots, but she never really says how far the robots can take their seduction. Assuming that they don’t always operate with a Shoot First mentality, it could be worth the risk to skip second base and see how things turn out.
6. Pris Stratton from Blade Runner
Pris Stratton is arguably the most terrifying replicant in Blade Runner, but she got her start as a “basic pleasure model.” Her affection for Roy Batty feels real, and her fight with Decker shows just how flexible and aggressive she could be. Pris loses points for being downright psychotic, but that's no deal breaker in my book.
The future according to the 1987 film Cherry 2000 is a time when real sex is more of a chore than a fun activity. Luckily there are robots like the lead character’s favorite rare Cherry 2000 model that are ready and willing. Most of the plot revolves around a guy risking his life to find a replacement sexbot when his shorts out and can’t be repaired. The mechanical problems are not ideal, but the experience must be pretty intense if moving on to another bot never crosses the owner’s mind.
4. The Stepford Wives from The Stepford Wives
I re-watched the 1975 film recently and was not wholly disappointed. The duplicates are subservient to the point of being creepy, but as sexbots they seem to service the men of Stepford, Connecticut most satisfactory. Keep them away from non-duplicates and don’t stab them in the gut, and everything should go smoothly.
3. Bikini Bots from Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine and Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs
Your parents may fondly remember these movies as funny and wholesome beach party films in the mid 1960s, but I can see through that bullsh*t to what was really happening here. The tagline for the first film is “Super sexbots, built to kill!” because in it, a scientist creates the bikini-clad robots to seduce rich men and steal their money. It was 1965, so of course all of the adult content was reduced to champagne cork gags, innuendo, and various sexist clichés, but they do show the women in bikinis and nightgowns throughout. There’s just something about those terrible dance moves that makes me think that being robbed afterwards wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.
2. Surrogates from Surrogates
The robots in Surrogates are harder to judge because they all look very different, but it’s that diversity that gives them a bit of an edge. In the film, the robots are physically perfect machines that can be used by humans to do just about anything, but they’re not fooling anyone with that PG-13 plot about conspiracy and murder. In the real world, there would been a lot more sex...like, a lot more.
1. Gigolo Joe and Gigolo Jane from A.I. Artificial Intelligence
The aptly named “Gigolo” Mechas in Steven Spielberg’s 2001 film A.I. Artificial Intelligence were built for one thing and one thing only: Getting. It. On. In addition to being beautiful, each of the sexbots are programmed to read and react to human emotions so that they can be better lovers. They can also make slight changes to their physical appearance to match their client’s preferences. Non-threatening, literal sex machines with the bodies of Ashley Scott and Jude Law? It's a win for everyone.
Andrew LaSane is a contributing writer to Supercompressor. If you see him buying large quantities of silicone, please don’t judge. Tell him about your favorite sexbots @laptop_lasane.