Ordering These Drinks Makes You Look Like a Tool
If you’ve ever placed a drink order and gotten a look from the bartender that can only translate to, “what a tool,” then it’s probably time to rethink your choice of refreshment. To avoid looking like you don’t know what you’re doing and keep the bartender on your side, here are five drinks you should never order at a bar.
It’s one thing if a bar happens to have a B-52 or a Duck Fart on the menu, but if you walk into a crowded bar and request that a bartender make you a three—or more—layered shot because it “looks cool” or is “fun to drink,” then, sorry, you’re a tool. These shots easily take three to four times longer to make than a standard cocktail and, since they’re shots, they’ll be gone in all of two seconds, which means you’ll be back at the bar, demanding the bartender’s attention right after. Order a shot and a beer instead. You still get the same fast-acting effect, but with much less douchery.
Drinks With Gross Names
There’s nothing tasteful about ordering a Red Headed Slut (Jäger, peach schnapps, cranberry juice), a Bloody Tampon (whiskey, tequila, vodka, V8, lemon juice and Baileys) or a Horse Jizz (beer, milk). Gross names aside, these drinks don’t even try to taste good—they’re purely for shock value, and that’s exactly what you’re going to get if you order one.
Anything Mixed With an Energy Drink
If foggy Four Loko nights and the subsequent banning of the brand’s original formula weren’t enough to scare you off of boozy engergy drinks, then you’re probably still drinking Vodka-Red Bulls and spiking your Monster with Jäger. Good for you. But keep your overly caffeinated cocktails at home. Aside from being unhealthy, these drinks can only be consumed by pounding them. Real talk: When was the last time you sipped a vodka-spiked Red Bull? And no one in the bar wants to deal with your boozed up, buzzed up ass all night—including your friends.
Like ordering a layered shot, this one gets a pass if a bar has a flaming shot or cocktail on its menu. But if it doesn’t, and you still feel the need to order a round of Flaming Dr. Pepper Shots, then you and your bartender better know what you’re doing or your tool-dom will be made obvious to all thanks to a missing pair of eyebrows.
Extra Dry Vodka Martini
Chilled vodka—you want chilled vodka. There’s nothing wrong with that, but stop trying to fool yourself and your bartender into thinking you’re ordering a cocktail. If you don’t actually want a Martini, which includes vermouth and a garnish, avoid the ensuing back-and-forth with your bartender and be upfront about it: You want vodka straight up with a twist. Simple and direct and not toolish in slightest.