The 27 Worst People You See At Every Mall In America

Published On 03/12/2015 Published On 03/12/2015

In those hundreds of hours you've spent perusing Brookstone, Pac Sun, Auntie Anne's, and Panda Express, you've probably noticed the people perusing alongside you. The impossibly-thin goth girl, the aimless pack of teenage hoodlums, and the elderly couple who don't realize their grandchildren don't want F.Y.E. gift cards. Built from years (and years and years) of observations, these are the 27 people you have—and will always—see at the mall.

Emily Niland

1. The boyfriend in Victoria's Secret who is doing a terrible job of hiding his boner.
While it is frowned upon to touch, it ain’t illegal to look!

2. Foreign teenagers who think food court Arby's is a delicacy.
Wait, are they Snapchatting their friends pictures of the Beef n’ Cheddar melt?

3. The menswear associate who is clearly hoping that a model scout notices his pocket square game.
It’s like watching Jamie Oliver wolf down a seven-layer burrito in the back of a Taco Bell.

Emily Niland

4. The goth kid who hasn’t taken his Invader Zim shirt off in 3 years.
​Things you can safely assume about this species of mall rat: he owns a full-body Japanese anime pillow and is in a healthy online relationship with a 41-year-old man from Dallas posing as a teenage girl named Kumiko.

5. The woman in Macy's who smells like a drum of perfume.
Commonly thought to be a mannequin or a high-quality paper printout of a human being, her name is always Cynthia and she will overpower you with her J'Adore perfume.

6. The male cashier in Macy's whose manager deemed not attractive enough to work the floor. 
He’ll try to sell you weed the minute he’s done ringing up your new blazer though, which is cool I guess?

Emily Niland

7. Those three hair gel models who know it doesn't get better than Express.
Four sheer v-neck T-shirts for $59.99?! America truly is the land of opportunities.

8. The guy at the kiosk who’s so good at selling Israeli moisturizer that you start to question everything you know about your skin.
Why is it so easy for a grown man to fall victim to the charismatic ramblings of salesman with silky smooth hands?

9. The suspiciously perky Old Navy manager who has likely worked for the company since the 1960s.
Don’t confuse that stain on her blouse for tears—it’s clearly gin. Hobbies include: unsubscribing to emails, power ranking The Bachelor episodes, and white wine.

Emily Niland

10. The angsty teenager who thinks she invented Doc Martens and liquid eyeliner.
“IDK what a Sex Pistol is, but I want one."

11. The phone case kiosk worker who hasn't looked up from her phone in days.
Approach with caution: she may be in a fugue state.

12. The free sample food court king. 
Hats off to this dude for mastering the indecisive stare at the menu that prompts workers to offer free samples of General Tso's chicken.

Emily Niland

13. The guy who's been looking for his girlfriend in JC Penny for 3 hours straight.
It’s like a corn maze, but completely inedible.

14. The poor soul who made eye contact with a kiosk shark and is now stuck learning about how waterproof their iPhone could be.
It’s a short presentation that will be over in a matter of seconds—hundreds of thousands of seconds.

15. The family of ten who can’t wait to eat at Rainforest Cafe.
By the end of the meal, every single one of their children will be in tears and covered in ice cream.

Emily Niland

16. The mom in Aeropostale who Amy Poehler's character in Mean Girls was clearly based on.
She's not a regular mom, she's a cool mom.

17. The 74 Justin Biebers spending their parent’s money at Pac Sun.
The kind of guys who use "gnarly" un-ironically and have "surfed, like, every day since birth, bra!”.

18. The 30-year old male who’s shopping at Hollister to finally get rid of the $50 gift card his mom gave him in 2001.
Spelunk in, get your cargo shorts, spelunk out, never come back.

Emily Niland

19. Teenagers making out against the banister on the highest floor in the mall.
Last seen sharing a large calzone from Sbarro while rounding third base.

20. The sales associate in GNC who can't fathom how his store is constantly empty every single day of the week.
If people don’t get their sh*t together and start shopping here, this poor guy will be forced to eat all that creatine powder by himself.

21. The cashier in Toys “R” Us who makes you wonder if Toys “R” Us routinely does background checks on employees.
His name is Wade and he’s got all the newest Bratz dolls in the back of his van.

Emily Niland

22. The Paul Blart lookalike who refuses to get out of the Brookstone Massage Chair and will certainly stop into F.Y.E. later to pick up Entrapment on DVD.
In this guy’s defense, Entrapment is a really great movie and there’s no better way to pump yourself up the for Catherine Zeta-Jones than with a full-body vibration session.

23. That guy who wants to get in, get a custom hat at lids, eat a meatball sub at Subway and promptly leave.
“Brah, just make me a hat that says ‘Federal Boob Inspector’ and no one gets hurt.”

24. The toxic couple who don't mind airing their entire relationship problems in front of a bunch of strangers.
Oh, don’t worry about them—they’re going to make up tonight with a rotisserie chicken and sweet, sweet unprotected love-making.

25. Forlorn women in trench coats.
How does Ann Taylor LOFT do it?!

26. Wet Seal Employees. All of them.
They hold the record for least used employee discount of all time.

Emily Niland

27. The mile-long line for Cinnabon comprised of prison guards, GameStop employees, terminally-ill train conductors, and the entire staff of the New York City DMV.
They may look miserable now, but give them twenty minutes and a drum full of frosting and you’ve got one happy crew.

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and Emily Niland is a Brooklyn illustrator who met Coolio once. 



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