As Seen On TV: I Tried The WhiteLight Tooth Whitening System

Is there anything more American than the As Seen On TV product? No, no, there's not. While there are a couple out there that actually work, it's expected that a good chunk of these ridiculous contraptions are completely useless. In the spirit of science (I think?) I've decided to embark upon an adventure where I'll be trying one new As Seen On TV product a week.

This week, we have the WhiteLight, a gel treatment that harnesses the omnipotent power of light to whiten your teeth in 10 minutes—hopefully without screwing up your smile. 

Before I even started, I found myself completely charmed by the packaging. The couple's luminescent smiles reminded me of that episode of Friends where Ross bleaches his teeth. It's madness.

The contents include your typical mishmash of ingredients you'd find in most home bleaching kits: glycerin, carbamide peroxide, hydrogen peroxide, povidone silica, carbomer, and sodium peroxide—most of which can burn the sh*t out of your gums if left in your mouth for too long.

The directions tell you to apply a liberal amount of gel to the inside of the mouthpiece and press against your teeth while holding the device in place with your lips for 10 minutes.

The kit uses a blue light to accelerate the process of bleaching, even though recent articles confirm that any sort of light—powerful or not—does literally nothing for the bleaching process. But we appreciate the theatricality. 

I didn't spend the whole 10 minutes looking pensively at my own reflection; I mostly just salivated and tried not to swallow peroxide.

Here's my smile (and facial hair) before I started my treatment. 

And this is me 10 minutes later.

As you can see, not a lot changed in the ten minute period. My teeth looked just about the exact same and, my, I've become acutely aware of my pointy canines.

You heard it here first people, the WhiteLight doesn't work and only makes people self-conscious about their vampiric canines. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to CVS for some Sensodyne!

Jeremy Glass is Supercompressor's prized staff writer who argues with homeless people on the weekends. 

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