Lifestyle

10 Absurd Secret Nazi Plans That (Thankfully) Didn't Work

Published On 05/22/2015 Published On 05/22/2015
Nazi Schemes
Paramount

"Nazis. I hate these guys." Words famously said by Indiana Jones, and also every decent person at least once after Social Studies class. The Nazis had grand plans for world domination, and thankfully—for the betterment of the human race—many of their darkest, wildest, wishes never came to fruition. 

Here are 10 hard-to-believe, extravagant Nazi plans that ended up failing, due to complications, poor planning, overall ridiculousness, and in some cases, good ol' fashioned American intervention.

Universal

Using TV to brainwash the nation

Long before the Kardashian klan sunk their acrylic claws into our brains, the Nazis were trying to control the minds of their people through the boob tube. Hitler planned on transposing his propaganda into the world of television, including reality shows depicting ideal Aryan families and even live executions of war criminals, all broadcast to monitors stationed in public locations across the country. Fortunately, this plan was cut-off by the Axis losing the war. 

Humintell

Getting soldiers all hopped up on candy-coated drugs

Have you ever wondered why German soldiers followed orders from a madman so fanatically? Well, it's complicated...but for one thing, the Nazis dosed their own soldiers with a powerful cocktail of hard drugs—containing cocaine, amphetamines, morphine and more—all coated in a delicate layer of chocolate or candy. During their tests, they noted the drug allowed for superhuman strength and endurance, but thankfully, their efforts were cut short when the Allies intervened in Germany. You can read more about this, and amphetamines in general, here.

Macacovelho

Applying Black Magic to take over the world

The Nazis believed in a lot of insane ideas and theories, chief among them the ability to use the Occult as a weapon. While many top-ranking Nazi officials dipped their toes into the Black Magic pool, the weirdest cases involve Wilhelm Gutberlet, a medical doctor who could supposedly sense the presence of Jewish people, and Ludwig Straniiak, an architect, who claimed to be able to sense enemy battle ships. Unsurprisingly, all of this turned out to be complete bullsh*t.

Public Domain

Creating ridiculous super-weapons, like a solar-death ray

The Nazis, ever ambitious, were always trying to come up with crazy technology that would give them the upper hand in the second World War, and beyond. From giant mirrors in space that would harness the sun's power to the giant cannon on wheels pictured above, their plans were decidedly huge...and almost always too impractical to work. 

Wikimedia

Reviving ancient super-cows

According to the book German Colonialismthe Fuhrer commissioned a joint team of zoologists and bio-engineers to try to recreate an extinct animal called an auroch, a cattle-like creature approximately the size of a hippo with a horrible mean streak to boot. It's unclear why they wanted to bring these animals back. But it probably had to do with assorted war crimes, and not an effort to make the juiciest hamburger in Hamburg. 
 

Wikimedia

Kidnapping the Pope

So, in 1943 the Vatican started speaking openly against Hitler, the Nazis, and everything they were doing...because, obviously. And in typical Hitler fashion, he got really, really, perturbed. He decided to set up a clandestine faction, planted inside Vatican City, that would take down the Papal structure from the inside out. Fortunately, one of the inside men alerted Italian officials, and the whole thing was blown. 

Public Domain

Invading America

Unsurprisingly, Hitler had a master plan to invade the United States from within, crippling infrastructure behind the war effort and demoralizing the American people in the process. Operation Pastorius involved destroying train tracks in western Pennsylvania (to cut the supply of steel), the hydroelectric plant in Niagara falls, aluminum manufacturing plants in New York, Illinois, and Tennessee, and more direct attacks on train stations, bridges, and manufacturing plants across the nation. One of the double agents—a German who lived in the US and was recruited by the Nazis—betrayed the rest of the group and alerted American authorities, foiling the plan before it could even begin. How is this not a movie yet?

Universal 

Stealing Christmas

In historian William Vinson's book on Christmas oddities, the Nazi's planned on outright banning Christmas in Germany, but it was too popular among the citizenry (obviously!), so they decided instead to warp it in their weird, Nazi fashion. They changed the holiday to a "Winter Solstice" celebration at first, swapping Christmas trees for Swastikas, and Jesus for—you guessed it—Hitler. Even the Nazis' strong-arm methods didn't work, and the Christmas spirit prevailed throughout the end of the war, when X-mas was restored. 

iStock

Dispatching an army of sexy, blonde spies

Nazi officials spread a swath of sexified, blonde vixens across Europe and into North America, equipped with poison cigarettes, clandestine pocketbooks filled with poison, and a cigarette lighter that shoots—wait for it—poison pellets. The aim was to assassinate high-ranking leaders and politicians from enemy countries. But, because the best spies are the ones that you never hear about, this plan didn't really work out, and many of the femme fatales were exposed during the process.   

YouTube/davstern1500

Exploiting the power of religious relics

If you've seen an Indiana Jones film, you know two things: Harrison Ford looks absolutely stellar in a fedora, and the Nazis seriously craved ancient, mystical power. Alongside their occult-obsessions, many historians claim they were actively seeking relics like the Holy Grail in order to harness their supposed godlike power and use it to take over the world. Isn't it weird that a guy who wanted to cancel Christmas and kidnap the Pope would try so hard to find Jesus' cup? That's Nazi logic for you. 


Wil Fulton is a staff writer for Supercompressor. He always chooses wisely. Follow him @WilFulton


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