11 Ways Brooklyn Barflies Can Tell You’re Not from Brooklyn
You’ve made it into Brooklyn. Good job. You braved the bridge or long, dark ride underneath the river, and you’ve arrived in the best borough for drinking. While Brooklynites are friendly folks (for the most part), they’re also quick to spot one who isn’t their own. If you want to blend in during your sojourn into the BK, make sure you don’t raise any red flags. Here are 11 ways Brooklyn bar-goers can tell that you’re not from Brooklyn.
You Arrive in a Yellow Cab
Tsk, tsk. You definitely hailed that cab in Manhattan. Any true Brooklynite would have arrived in an outerborough green cab or, more likely, just hopped on a train or bike.
You’re Totally Unfazed by a $16 Cocktail
That might be the going price for a drink in Manhattan, but that’s just unreasonable out in Brooklyn. Drinks top out around $14 if you’re somewhere super shmancy, but you’ll more likely see cocktails that fall in the $10-12 range, with beers coming in at $5-7.
You’re Wearing a Power Suit (Unironically)
Brooklyn is stylish but laid back. If you walk in wearing a full suit with no hint of flare or personality, you’ll stick out like a sore finance bro.
You Compare Everything to Something You Saw on Girls
No, this isn’t the bar that Jessa did that thing in episode whatever—it’s the bar from this real life neighborhood. Brooklyn is not cosplaying as the HBO show. It’s an actual place that existed long before Lena Dunham ever set foot there.
You Admit You’ve Never Had a Pickleback Shot
The drink was invented at Williamsburg’s Bushwick Country Club, making it a rite of passage for all of the neighborhood’s of-age drinking inhabitants. You’re pretty much given one for free the second you change your number to a 718 variant.
You Don’t Have any Tattoos
Just pretend you have one in a spot you can’t reveal in public. If anyone asks, it’s something cool—like a centaur or a giant squid or George Orwell’s signature.
You Order a Glass of “White Wine” or a Vodka Soda
If you’re going to order a glass of wine, you better have a grape varietal in mind—Brooklynites know better than to just order any old vino. And a Vodka Soda? Where are you from, Westchester? You drink whiskey now.
You Ask If the Neighborhood Is “Safe” After Dark
Yes, it’s safe. Just because there are above ground trains here doesn’t mean it’s a Mad Max-style wasteland.
You’re Shocked That There’s a Baby in the Bar
That baby’s got more cred around here than you do, that’s for sure. He’s such a regular, in fact, that his parents met in this bar. Keep cool. They’ll leave before it gets too late. Brooklynite parents are (usually) good about knowing when family hour is over.
You Don’t Have Anything to Contribute When Everyone Starts Complaining About the Looming L Train Apocalypse
Here are a few ways for you to join in: Wonder aloud what’s going to happen to all the local businesses. Suggest that it’ll be a great time to buy a place in Williamsburg because the prices will be so low. Say, “What are we supposed to take, the G? The ferry? Yeah, right.”
You Don’t Have a Tote Bag
Where do you put all your Brooklyn stuff like your water canteen and your half-drunk kombucha and your Moleskine notebook and your half-filled in New York Times crossword puzzle? Get yourself a tote—or just hang around Brooklyn long enough. Someone will hand you a promotional Whole Foods-branded bag, or you’ll get one with your bookstore purchase eventually.