Will this (finally) be the summer you get whisked away on a pleasure cruise around the world? Or will you embrace your alter island ego and go full Jimmy Buffett in your backyard? Or will you get way, way, way into camping and take up with a pack of wolves? If you’re wondering what’s in store for you this summer, don’t look to the zodiac for the answers. Instead, simply choose your favorite summer cocktail and we’ll predict your summer future. It’s like reading tea leaves—only boozier.
If your go-to summer drink is a Mai Tai, then:
You prefer Hawaiian shirts to T-shirts and you can’t stop singing the chorus to the Beach Boys’ California Girls, but you’ve never fully embraced that island life until now. This summer you will most likely end up marooned on a faraway island after escaping from a cruise gone wrong. Don’t fret. There will be cocktails. In a grass hut on the north side of the island, not too far from where you’ll be washed ashore, there is a bartender serving delectably frosty drinks. You may meet a tiger (or two) and encounter a few pesky insects on your trek, but the Piña Colada at that island shack will be worth it. You’ll finally earn your aloha shirt.
If your go-to summer drink is a Caipirinha, then:
You opt for a beach towel over a couch, and this summer that won’t change. But, as you’re cruising down the highway to your favorite beach—with Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee’s Despacito blaring on the radio—you will miss your exit and end up somewhere you’ve never been before. This is a mystical beach, only told of in myths and whispered amongst the seafaring ship captains of old. On this beach you will party with mermaids and mermen, and, if you so choose, you will join them at sea forevermore.
If your go-to summer drink is a Whiskey Smash then:
You have no qualms wearing shorts (or skirts) with work boots, and the mint in your cocktail is always picked fresh from your herb garden. You feel at home in the woods and the mountains far, far away from the hot city asphalt. And this summer, you’ll meet that special someone who feels exactly the same way as you do about the world. It doesn’t matter that they live deep in a cave in the forest and are the missing link between man and ape. This is going to be true love like they show in movies.
If your go-to summer drink is a Bellini, then:
You’re the type who can’t survive a minute in the sun without the dark tint of your Miu Miu sunglasses. Your weekend evenings are spent hidden in the cool darkness of the club. This summer, when your Uber breaks down suddenly in the middle of nowhere, chaos will ensue. You’ll walk miles in dreadful heat. Your phone will die. Your sunglasses will fall and break. And you will lose two cocktails’ worth of hydration in sweat. But then, you will have an epiphany. You will become the next Elon Musk, and put all your time and money into developing your own, revolutionary ride service, which will put all others out of business. You’ll own the first ride service to drive people to the moon.
You’re still rocking that same denim vest you wore all fall, winter and spring. You’d gladly trade a day at the beach for a day in your Camaro, and your summer anthem is Alice Cooper’s School’s Out. This summer, after catching someone keying your precious Chevy (and subsequently yelling some very strong words and throwing some very large, city-owned trash cans), you’ll wind up in a court-ordered anger management class. Bob, your counselor, will introduce you to the harmonica as a zen way to release your frustrations. After months of practicing the instrument, you will become one of the most gifted mouth-harpists in history. You’ll form a band with some of your group mates, and go on to star in the 2020 remake of the Blues Brothers.
If your go-to summer drink is Frosé, then:
You somehow always have flowers in your hair. You bought tickets for every major summer festival way back in February, and you permanently have Tiesto blasting from your earbuds (there’s always one in at all times). Your friends describe you as an optimist, and the party never really starts till you arrive. This summer, after a pitcher of Frosé with the gurrrrrls and a brain freeze induced nap, you will awaken to discover that you’re not on the bus ride to Burning Man, but instead on the bus to Wasteland Weekend, the apocalypse themed Mad Max festival. Making the best of things, you go on to win Thunderdome.
If you drink the same cocktail whether it’s winter or summer, then:
You’re the type that dreads the heat of summer and defies the sun’s rays by wearing all black everyday and chilling your home to near Arctic temperatures. But this summer you’ll have a rude awakening when a demolition crew “accidentally” begins tearing your apartment down with a wrecking ball. Don’t worry, neither you nor anyone else will be injured, but you will be forced outdoors. As you stumble out into the daylight, dazed and confused, you’ll shed your many layers of black, exposing your pale flesh to the sun’s death rays. When your voice is raspy with dehydration, you will stumble into the nearest bar. Seeing your plight, the bartender will serve you not a Highlife and a whiskey, but a tart, icy Daiquiri. After one sip, you’ll know the true meaning of summer and what you’ve been missing by sitting on your couch all these years.