The country is in a state of emergency. Simply put, we have way too much cheese. According to the Wall Street Journal, over 1 billion pounds of surplus cheese is sitting in commercial cold-storage freezers across the country thanks to Vladimir Putin’s ban on agricultural imports into Russia (the Washington Post has explained this in greater detail). To alleviate the glut, it is the civic duty of every American to eat three extra pounds of cheese a year (on top of the 36 pounds per person we already eat). To help with this heroic effort, we created a cheese cocktail to promote higher volumes of curd consumption.
We also created the single worst cocktail any of us had ever tasted.
Explain exactly how we did it? We thought you’d never ask. We shook powdered mac n’ cheese mix with vodka, vermouth and ice, then strained it into a coupe rimmed in more powdered cheese. To top it all off, we garnished the cocktail with cheese-stuffed olives.
The olives ended up being the only tolerable piece of this waking nightmare. While the opaque, milky orange drink looked amazing, it tasted like hot bile. And spoiled yogurt. And sweet gherkins stored in a sweaty gym sock for a month. If the cocktail world is an ocean, we have found its rancid bottom. For America.
As Homer Simpson taught us, too much American cheese will make you go blind. Do not attempt this drink at home.
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