31 Things You're Not Allowed To Own After You Turn 30
As a mid-twenties male who is living out the prime of his life, I look at the impending age of 30 much like Simba and Mufasa view oncoming wildebeest stampedes—with fear, trepidation, and the lingering sense that life may soon be over.
I'm only kidding of course, as many people have lived full, successful lives after the big 3-0 (look at Barack Obama!). But, there are a few juvenile predilections thirty-somethings need to drop after they leave their twenties in the rearview mirror, including—but not limited to—these 31 items. No exceptions.
1. Anything ever sold in Hot Topic ever
This includes: Ed Hardy apparel, studded belts, and hoodies that zip over your face
2. Sword collections
It's a common adage: the more swords you own, the less virginity you will lose in your lifetime.
If Wolverine himself looks this lame on a scooter, imagine how lame your lame clawless self would look?
4. A drum kit in your living room
Unless you have a dedicated space for your kit, it's not going to work. Plus, no amount of of cymbal crashes will make up for your second failed marriage.
5. Anything involving black lights
If you are above 30 and have a black light in your room, you will probably see something scarier than an Insane Clown Posse poster.
6. AOL email address
The only reason to still have your "NoLimitzSk8r99" email address is to consolidate your free viagra/iPads leads.
7. Hacky Sacks
"Hey, lets go over and talk to those hot hacky sack guys!" said no lady ever.
8. Tucker Max's books
hope they sell beer in hell, for this guy's sake.
9. Unframed posters
If you like it, you should definitely put a frame on it.
10. Bottle opener keychain
If not being able to open ice cold brews at all times is a concern, maybe bottle caps aren't your biggest problem.
11. All things Dane Cook
"No, no...I'm not Frank Sinatra, m'lady."
13. Tony Little's Gazelle
That smile is the smile of a man with absolutely nothing to lose.
14. Velcro wallets
That tearing sound isn't your wallet opening, it's a thousand of your future children screaming because they know they'll never be born.
15. Skull jewelry
Pro tip: you are not on Sons of Anarchy
16. Snapback hats
If thee Bieber wears it, thou shall not.
17. Football jerseys
When everyone on the team is younger than you, it's no longer cool to wear another man's name on your back.
18. Novelty salt and pepper shakers
There's nothing funny about under-seasoning.
19. Things with mustaches on them
They reek of Zooey Deschanel and desperation.
20. Morph suits
This was only kind of funny the first 300 times.
21. Wallet chains
Because no one wants your velcro wallet in the first place.
You can file this under "things I never really should have owned in the first place."
23. Boondock Saints II on DVD
Or for that matter, any Boondock Saints
24. Tickets to Coachella
If you have to ask, you are 18.
25. Truck Nutz
"Kick his ass, Seabass!"
26. A mattress on the floor
Heroin chic is never coming back.
27. A bong over 1' tall
Grown-ass men are alone and don't have people to light their nugs for them.
28. Actually, any bong
Buy this slick lil' number
, and thank me in the morning.
29. Sex dice
Where "snake-eyes" means something completely different.
30. Your frat hoodie
Keeping your letters is one thing, continuing to wear them while you have a mortgage is painful.
31. Anything and everything Guy Fieri touches
He's like the King Midas of douchebaggery.
Wil Fulton is a Staff Writer for Supercompressor, he would like to be the King Midas of something one day. Follow him @WilFulton