As a mid-twenties male who is living out the prime of his life, I look at the impending age of 30 much like Simba and Mufasa view oncoming wildebeest stampedes—with fear, trepidation, and the lingering sense that life may soon be over.
I'm only kidding of course, as many people have lived full, successful lives after the big 3-0 (look at Barack Obama!). But, there are a few juvenile predilections thirty-somethings need to drop after they leave their twenties in the rearview mirror, including—but not limited to—these 31 items. No exceptions.
This Chinese Festival Is Like 'Frozen' Come to Life Rapid Release 1. Anything ever sold in Hot Topic ever
This includes: Ed Hardy apparel, studded belts, and
hoodies that zip over your face. Youtube 2. Sword collections
It's a common adage: the more swords you own, the less virginity you will lose in your lifetime.
CelebrityBabyScoop 3. Scooters
If Wolverine himself looks this lame on a scooter, imagine how lame your lame clawless self would look?
Ludwig 4. A drum kit in your living room
Unless you have a dedicated space for your kit, it's not going to work. Plus, no amount of of cymbal crashes will make up for your second failed marriage.
Supercompressor 5. Anything involving black lights
If you are above 30 and have a black light in your room, you will probably see something scarier than an Insane Clown Posse poster.
Supercompressor 6. AOL email address
The only reason to still have your "NoLimitzSk8r99" email address is to consolidate your free viagra/iPads leads.
Supercompressor 7. Hacky Sacks
"Hey, lets go over and talk to those hot hacky sack guys!" said no lady ever.
MyBook 8. Tucker Max's books
do hope they sell beer in hell, for this guy's sake. Tumblr/bwzwqwd 9. Unframed posters
If you like it, you should definitely put a frame on it.
Supercompressor 10. Bottle opener keychain
If not being able to open ice cold brews at all times is a concern, maybe bottle caps aren't your biggest problem.
Spike 11. All things Dane Cook
Jerry Messing 12. Fedoras
"No, no...I'm not Frank Sinatra, m'lady."
Tony Little Gazelle 13. Tony Little's Gazelle
That smile is the smile of a man with absolutely nothing to lose.
BioWorldMech 14. Velcro wallets
That tearing sound isn't your wallet opening, it's a thousand of your future children screaming because they know they'll never be born.
Royal925 15. Skull jewelry
Pro tip: you are not on
Sons of Anarchy. Supercompressor 16. Snapback hats
If thee Bieber wears it, thou shall not.
CalgaryGrit 17. Football jerseys
When everyone on the team is younger than you, it's no longer cool to wear another man's name on your back.
Ebay 18. Novelty salt and pepper shakers
There's nothing funny about under-seasoning.
Amazon 19. Things with mustaches on them
They reek of Zooey Deschanel and desperation.
Xiaomao 20. Morph suits
This was only kind of funny the first 300 times.
Upcoming.nl 21. Wallet chains
Because no one wants your velcro wallet in the first place.
Jeracgallero 22. Crocs
You can file this under "things I never really should have owned in the first place."
DVD-Covers 23. Boondock Saints II on DVD
Or for that matter, any
Boondock Saints DVD. H&M 24. Tickets to Coachella
If you have to ask, you are 18.
TitanTalk/dirtyazn 25. Truck Nutz
"Kick his ass, Seabass!"
VentureGal 26. A mattress on the floor
Heroin chic is never coming back.
reddit.com/Vdub420 27. A bong over 1' tall
Grown-ass men are alone and don't have people to light their nugs for them.
THC Finder 28. Actually, any bong
slick lil' number, and thank me in the morning. Femside 29. Sex dice
Where "snake-eyes" means something completely different.
Pi Kappa Alpha 30. Your frat hoodie
Keeping your letters is one thing, continuing to wear them while you have a mortgage is painful.
Observer 31. Anything and everything Guy Fieri touches
He's like the King Midas of douchebaggery.
Wil Fulton is a Staff Writer for Supercompressor, he would like to be the King Midas of something one day. Follow him @WilFulton