We Drank a 10-pound Moscow Mule And Lived To Tell The Tale
One of the basic laws of the universe is stated definitively by legendary cartoonist Kliban in the title of his book Never Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head and Other Drawings. Today I come to you to confess my sins. I have violated this rule. Or, rather, a corollary to this rule.
I drank something bigger than my head.
In my defense, I was aided and abetted by PH-D Terrace, the bar that sits atop Dream Hotel in midtown Manhattan. And I can say definitively that PH-D Terrace has meddled in affairs mankind has no business with. They heard the call of the dark lord of American excess. And were they chastened by this close encounter? Nay. They were emboldened.
Taking the Moscow Mule trend well past its logical conclusion, PH-D Terrace’s MEGAMULE (all-caps mine) contains three-quarters of a 750-ml bottle of vodka (free-poured), along with a bottle and a half of Owen’s All Natural Mule Mix. It also contains all of the lime juice on the planet and three metric butt-tons of mint. It weighs 10 pounds and can be used as a gateway to the shadow dimension where thought has the power to take physical form and all beings are ruled by the cruel and hideous OmniBrain. It is served in a massive, custom-made copper Moscow Mule mug, which is totes adorbs on teh Instagrams.
“These large scale drinks tend to be a huge hit with our customers,” says Drew Sweeney, Beverage Director for Tao Group trying his best not to sound like an emissary of sinister forces beyond human control. “We wanted to elevate the fun and social atmosphere by bringing friends and colleagues together even more with a cocktail they can enjoy as a group.”
Never one to shrink in the face of peril, I enlisted three intrepid Supercallers in a bid to stalk and capture this beast in its natural habitat, then partake of the sweet nectar found within its massive, copper body. We succeeded, but not without cost. None of us will ever be the same. Lo, we have gazed into the heart of the void and seen ourselves on the other side, shouting dire warnings from the future.
Would the world be different had we not finished that entire MEGAMULE? Undoubtedly. Are we to blame for the world’s woes? Probably. Would we do it all again in a heartbeat? Without hesitation.