Over 700 million people consistently smudge ink, struggle with spiral notebooks, weep over can openers, and constantly have to answer the question: “Wait, you’re left-handed?” Even though we've got Barack Obama, Jerry Seinfeld, Owen Wilson, and Morgan Freeman (?!) on our side, the world just wasn't made for our kind.
That said, here are 16 gadgets out there that simply cannot be used correctly by a southpaw—a feeling that makes us want to take those left-handed scissors and cut off 5.4 billion right hands. Sorry, that was cruel. Let’s move on.
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When it comes to e-readers, the Kindle is the way to go. However, the new touchscreen ones got rid of the page-turn buttons on either side, now making you tap the right hand part of the screen instead. Clearly an idea by someone dead set on keeping lefties from finishing the most gripping parts of novels.
What kind of monster decided the right side of a keyboard was the perfect spot for a superfluous number keyboard? It’s like every computer company had a personal vendetta against left-handed accountants.
As a lefty, I wear watches on my right hand, but the placement of the crown on the right-hand side of the watch makes setting the damn thing near impossible. If I don’t physically remove the watch to set the time, I’m forced to contort my hands to properly grasp the crown. So forget about that Apple Watch. Thanks a lot, Obama.
4. The Subway Turnstiles
Have you ever been missed a train due to fumbling around while moving your MetroCard from your left hand to the right to accommodate the egregious placement of the swiper on the turnstile? Have you ever accidentally paid someone else’s fare because you tried to swipe on the left? I HAVE.
Despite video games having special settings for lefties, game controllers simply aren’t ergonomic for southpaws. Every important button—whether it’s jump, shoot, aim, or run—has always been located on the right side of the controller. You see a square, triangle, circle, and X, I see four glaring reasons why I keep losing at Call of Duty.
6. The Red Ball Computer Mouse
In the olden, pre-Tinder days, long before USB ports allowed computer mice to be easily switched from the right side to the left, southpaws had to deal with a right-handed mouse plugged in at the back of the computer with a serial port—on the right side. Don't even get me started on this thing—a big red ball of goddamn persecution. Looked like a real blast to use, but I wouldn't know.
7. Can Openers A struggle as old as the concept of canned food, the design of the can opener will never be improved and perfectly innocent left-handed people will go to their graves struggling to get to that sweet, sweet tuna fish.
Fun fact: non-lefty guns, (yes, they're a thing) fire out the hot brass casings and burn your forearms. Kind of puts a damper on the whole "putting an end to someone's life" scene.
9. Non-British Cars
Know what’s located on the right side of the driver’s wheel? EVERYTHING important. The ignition, the radio, the stick shift, the blinkers, the precious cup holders! Fiddling with the radio with your flaccid and underdeveloped right hand takes your attention away from the road and puts you in danger of bending some fenders.
Yet another piece of equipment designed solely for right-handed outdoorsmen. You think the inventors of such a powerful tool would take into account the 700 million people who could potentially chop off their own legs.
11. Smudgy Pens
Smudgy pens fit in the same category as spiral notebooks, rulers, scissors, right-handed desks, and the ink that gets all over your hand when all you want to do is write down a list of things you hate. Damn you to hell, smudgy pens.
12. "Tobacco" Pipes
It shouldn't take two hands to work a carb. In that same vein, novelty mugs don't work in our favor, because those hotshot novelty mug bigwigs don't want lefties to have a good time. Have you ever tried to drink from a funny mug that no one else can look at because the writing is on the wrong side? It's horrible.
13. Credit Card Machines
True gold-star lefties know the right hand is as useless and weak as a newborn baby’s. So when it comes to using it for important tasks, you know you’re in for trouble. Take a simple task like using a credit card machine. If signing your name is part of the deal, you might as well just give up, because the cord will never be long enough. Put your eggs back and go home.
Home Alone was responsible for making four things incredibly attractive to the general public: cheese pizza, rubber sheets, Pepsi, and the Talkboy. Imagine my disappointment when I realized my left hand couldn't slide into the back handle of my Talkboy. There was literally no way to check into the Plaza Hotel.
15. The Power Glove
Regardless of the fact this thing lasted, like, one hour in the gaming scene, it made a huge impression on pre-pubescent brains across America. They even made a movie about it—The Wizard—but that still didn't change the fact that it only came in one model for righties.
16. Slot Machines
I hope casinos don't think they can get off the hook with their special brand of intolerance. Have you ever seen a slot machine with a left-handed lever? That's because they don't exist. So, not only are we going to die sooner, we're also going to the grave poorer. Everything sucks. Unrelated: can someone text this girl my number?
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and is typing this sentence via a service parrot.