Food & Drink

11 Signs You’ve Become the Ultimate Wine Snob

You can be a wine geek, a wine expert, even a self-described oenophile, without being a wine snob. Wine snobs are a special breed of wine-lover who feel the need to proclaim their superior knowledge to anyone within earshot. These are folks who are incapable of getting a casual glass of wine at a bar. They’ll never relinquish the wine list to anyone. They pick bottles according to vintage, rather than taste. They are, in short, annoying.

Are you a wine snob? If any of these signs apply to you, then it’s time to crack open a humbling bottle of Two-Buck Chuck and take a good look at your wine-drinking life.

You Refuse to Touch Boxed Wine

You’re wary about screwtops (though you will consider a twist-off bottle if it’s rated 98 or higher), but boxed wines are out of the question. Wine comes in a bottle—not something called a “bladder.” That’s where wine is supposed to end up.

You Own a Champagne Saber (and Use It Every Chance You Get)

The first time you sabered open a bottle of bubbly, it was cool. But the 11th? It gets old. Just pop the damn bottle open already.

You Won’t Associate With Anyone Who Adds Ice to Wine

Why don’t they go ahead and just pour some Sprite in there while they’re at it, right? The first time anyone ever plops a frozen cube into a glass you pour them is the last time you ever pour them a glass.

You Keep Your Whole House at a Cellar Temperature—Just to Be Safe

All wine should be stored at a cool 50-55 degrees Fahrenheit, and since your home is basically one big wine fridge, that’s where your thermostat is permanently fixed. After all, the bottles are much more important than your shivering guests.

You Physically Cannot Stop Yourself From Correcting Anyone Who Dares Call Anything That’s Not from France “Champagne”

Every time someone calls a California sparkling wine “Champagne,” the hair on the back of your neck prickles. It’s like the worst superpower ever, but you have no choice but to run over to the culprit and say, “You mean sparkling wine—Champagne only comes from Champagne, France.” Then, you disappear into the night. And people are happy to see you go.

You’ve Gotten Into an Argument With a Sommelier

It doesn’t matter what it was about or who was right. If you’ve ever gotten into an argument with a sommelier, it was most likely because you couldn’t put aside your ego for one night and had to prove you knew more about wine—more, even, than the person who is literally paid to know about wine.

You Practice Your Swirling Technique at All Times

Whether you’re sipping your morning coffee, gulping down post-workout water or even readying yourself to swig down a shot of cough syrup on a sick day, you better believe you’re swirling that liquid. It’s all the in the wrist.  

You Will Not Partake in a Pitcher of Sangria

“Tourist swill,” you say, tipping your nose upward and sipping your glass of Tempranillo. “Fine,” your friends say. “More for us.” And then, weirdly, you don’t get invited to the next tapas night.  

You’re Certain That if a Bottle Is Under $20, It’s No Good

You had an $11 red blend once, and that was enough.

You Own Specific Glassware for Every Type of Wine

It doesn’t matter if you’re throwing a dinner party or just kicking back with a post-work drink, you’ll seek out the exact right size and shape of glass for whatever you’re pouring. Doing the dishes is … less than fun. But it’s better than settling for some standard, everyday glass, right?

You Have a Wine Key on You at All Times (Just in Case One of Your Friends Only Has One of Those Annoying Rabbits)

Those foolproof robot wine openers are for amateurs. The pros know the only way to open a bottle is with a wine key. And, like a Pinot-swilling, tannin-tasting Boy Scout, you are always prepared.