Welcome to the crapshoot that is the 2016 Presidential Election! It seems like any yahoo with enough money can, and will, run for president and potentially destroy our entire nation. Bummer.
Looking over Politics1's comprehensive roster of candidates in the running, it looks like reality show host Donald Trump and his heinous orange wig have some company in the bizarre department. Do not vote for these people.
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Who: Your local Republican-turned-independent-turned-Democrat Governor of Rhode Island. Party: Uh, Democrat? Why: "Adopt the Metric system" is a big part of his campaign. And this is America. Should you vote for him? No. Try to convert 1,298,372,234 kilograms into inches in your head. You can't.
Who: Lawyer, politician, blogger, founder of the Objectivist Party—which aims to promote Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism in politics. Party: Objectivist Party Why: Stevens was once indicted for attempting to hire a hitman, which is illegal and totally uncool, plus he was interim vice chairman of the Boston Tea Party, which is way less cool. Should you vote for him? No.
Who: Television personality, owner of tiny yellow marsupial that makes its home on peoples’ heads, "author." Party: Republican Why: “A certificate of live birth is not the same thing by any stretch of the imagination as a birth certificate.” Should you vote for him? Ew, come on. No.
Pogo Mochello Allen-Reese
Who: Former exotic dancer, army veteran and “Slave of Jesus.” Party: Republican Why: I mean, just look at his website. The guy is the real-life story of Magic Mike. Should you vote for him? No. Actually...maybe.
Who: The former U.S. Senator of Pennsylvania, but Urban Dictionary’s description is a bit more accurate and concise. Party: Republican Why: Where do we start? He famously opposes same-sex marriage, plus he wants to ban Internet porn. What kind of sick son-of-a-bitch wants to ban Internet porn?!?!?! Should you vote for him? A vote for Santorum is a vote against Internet porn.
Who: The Governor of Wisconsin who recently cut $300 million from the University of Wisconsin to build a damn basketball stadium. Party: Republican Why: Walker boasts that he’s won three elections in four years, even though one of the wins was his own recall election. That’s like starting a forest fire, putting it out yourself, and getting a medal. Should you vote for him? No, look at that big derpy face.
Who:A quick perusal of his website showcases Gividen's flagrantly anti-immigration, anti-homosexuality, anti-semitic platform. Oh, plus he’s a white supremacist. Which, judging by all that stuff he's against, makes sense. Party: American Freedom Party Why: Well, the “American Freedom Party” is all about white supremacy...so there’s that. Should you vote for him? No.
Who: Yep, the Roseanne from the aptly-named television show, Roseanne. Party: Peace & Freedom Party Why: Aside from the fact that she willingly touched Tom Arnold’s penis? She’s actually run for President before which, as you may have noticed, didn’t go too well. Plus, she once threatened to behead Wall Street bankers. Plus, come on...it’s Roseanne. Should you vote for her? No, ain't nobody got time for that.
Who: A Kansas-based army brat who owns his own remodeling business and is affectionately referred to as Skip. Aw, Skip! Party: Republican Why: He wants to legalize drugs. All drugs. I sh*t you not. Should you vote for him? Well maybe! I don’t know, how much do you like drugs?
Who: A self-proclaimed “Native American” who believes in the “inevitable white genocide.” Party: American Freedom Party (looks like they're gonna split the vote!) Why: He thoroughly believes that there is a race problem in America—his Geocities-era website explicitly reads: “ASIA FOR THE ASIANS, AFRICA FOR THE AFRICANS.” Yikes. Should you vote for him? No. He blows goats. I have proof.