The 25 Worst Things You Can Buy On Amazon: Volume 5
Well, here we go again. Another month, another round of sorting through Amazon's most depressing, confusing, and downright offensive items. From defunct electronics to swastika-emblazoned apparel, this list of pre-packaged crap should be a fair warning to anyone who thinks the Internet is a safe place.
25. Japanese Anime High School Hugging Body PillowPrice: $22.99
Had James Franco not already rebranded the Japanese body pillow, sleeping with this thing between your legs would be way more depressing. You just can't help but wonder about the choices one makes in their lives to lead them to this.
24. Electronic Organizer PDA with 3MB MemoryPrice: $20.21
Yep, that's right! Three megabytes! You know how many U2 songs are bigger than three megabytes? ALL OF THEM. Since the PDA is a precursor to the precursor to the iPhone's precursor, we don't know why this is for sale.
23. Ed Hardy For Women PerfumePrice: $29.99
This actually makes sense, since dudes who wear Ed Hardy typically repel women. Why shouldn't horny dudes try to up their chance at getting laid by creating a women's scent that's procured by the very company they hate so much?! Yeah, it doesn't make sense to any of us either.
22. Snake Eyes: A Nicolas Cage Activity BookPrice: $10.50
There's some downright jarring Nic Cage merchandise available on the Internet, so—comparatively—this one is pretty tame. Still, nothing will beat that look of dissatisfaction in your kids' eyes when you hand them an activity book starring the guy from Wicker Man.
21. Chris Gaines Greatest HitsPrice: $35
What a curious find. $35 for a Greatest Hits CD from a fake singer who never even had one hit, let alone enough to necessitate a CD full of his greatest? What the hell is this CD doing on Amazon? Shouldn't it be on a BuzzFeed list somewhere? "90 Reasons 90s Children Want To Forget The 90s in 90 Seconds." Well, it's on our list now.
20. Maxell STD-T-120 4 Pack VHS TapesPrice: $15.99
Yeah, I have a couple of questions: #1 Who still owns a VHS player? #2 Who still records TV shows on VHS? #3 How dare you.
19. Confederate Flag EarbudsPrice: $9.99
Yikes. Yikes yikes yikes. If you're still missing the point that the Confederate flag—in any form—is offensive, take out your dumb-sh*t earbuds and listen harder: the South will not rise again.
18. Playing With Fire By Kevin FederlinePrice: $5.99
17. Kirin Free Non-Alcoholic Malt BeerPrice: $9.25
Guys, trust me on this one: non-alcoholic beer will not get you intoxicated. I tried it once and the results were, uh, less than pretty.
16. Imation 3.5-Inch Floppy DisksPrice: $12.86
I mean, floppy disks are packed with more nostalgia than Dunkaroos during a SNICK marathon. They were the gold standard for external storage until flash drives came out, which wrecked the competition. Still, every '90s kid has a soft spot in their hearts for floppy disks.
15. Captain Jules Everlasting Steampunk FlaskPrice: $35.95
Not a bad looking piece of barware in theory, until you consider the kind of guys who own this. The dudes with neckbeards who've gone from wearing fedoras ironically to donning them for serious for all those sweet geocaching enthusiasts events. M'lady.
14. Confederate Flag Men's Pocket WatchPrice: $6
Please see #19, re: the south's rising status. Also, a pocket watch? Whose dad are you? Jefferson Davis's?
13. World Mark Redneck PlungerPrice: $44.57
Well, can't say they're skirting the issue—"redneck" is right there in the title. We have a word for people who have these kinds of oddly useful novelty items in their houses—we call them "Floridians."
12. Gold Edible GlitterPrice: $5.99
This may seem like a good idea until you sober up the next day and find that your sh*t is even brighter than the yellow brick road. Guys, glitter belongs in the hands of kindergarteners and in the eyes of your worst enemies.
11. Conquered By Clippy: An Erotic Short StoryPrice: $2.99
For those unaware parties, Clippy was a nosey little paperclip that would pop up and try to help you out whenever you started a new document in Microsoft Word. Well, someone decided he needed a sexy overhaul and wrote a smutty story about a paperclip. Why? "Because the Internet." Ugh.
10. Apple iPhone 3GS 8GBPrice: $110
Even if you don't know which smartphone is ideal for you, you can go ahead and check the 3GS off your list. It was a huge feat in design and technology when it came out...seven years ago. The only use you'll get out of this thing is a curved paperweight that also plays U2 on-demand.
9. Cigarette Lighter Cover For iPhone 6Price: $12.99
This iPhone 6 case triples as a cigarette lighter and a bottle opener for those brave individuals who've looked self-control right in its beady little eyes and said: "f*ck you!"
8. Filled By The Gay CentaurPrice: $2.99
You know, every man is half-centaur if you think about it.
7. Tobacco-Free Nicotine-Free CigarettesPrice: $7.49
To avoid the embarrassing situation that's sure to arise when offering a friend or family member a nicotine and tobacco-free cigarette, all you have to do is answer this one simple question: Are you Jon Hamm on the set of Mad Men where your character has to smoke numerous cigarettes but doesn't want the black lungs? No? Okay, then maybe it's time to consider vaporizers instead.
6. Zune Home AV PackPrice: $8.60
Call me a hipster, say what you're going to say, I'll be the first to admit that I loved the Zune. I really did. However, there's nothing more sad than buying the accoutrement to a defunct piece of technology. It's like the last scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where he's desperately reaching for the holy grail. "Indiana..let it go."
5. Bronies BackpackPrice: $35.33
Who am I to cast judgement? Bronies should be left alone to do what they do best...hang loose and love My Little Pony deeply—however, you can't tell me you'd feel comfortable standing behind someone with this gem hanging off their back.
4. Keychain Spy Digital CameraPrice: $5.50
Besides the fact this camera is clearly marketed towards those who don't think it's a huge deal to spy on their neighbors in the shower, the reviews speak volumes: "Absolute garbage, not even suitable as a kids' toy."
3. Goldenseller Silver Slim 8GB MP3 PlayerPrice: $17.25
You won't know true disappointment until you buy a knockoff of a defunct product.
2. Two Pounds Of Lemon StarburstsPrice: $19.95
What kind of monster—no, HOBGOBLIN—decided it’d be cool to sell two pounds of the de facto worst Starburst flavor out in the universe? It's solid Pine-Sol (baby) and that is not okay to eat.
1. Nazi Embroidered PatchPrice: $5.99
Nope. Not even going to touch this one—but, since it's on Prime, that means Amazon has a box full of Nazi patches in their warehouse. Your move, guys.