Everyone knows that the best episodes of The X-Files aren’t the conspiracy episodes—although we do love that black oil and will always wonder about Mulder’s sister—they’re the monster-of-the-week episodes. From the misunderstood Mutato to new favorite Guy Mann, here’s what to drink according to your favorite X-Files monster.
Episode: “The Post-Modern Prometheus” All the Great Mutato ever wanted was to be loved—and to see Cher, his favorite singer and actress. With his two mouths, three eyes and massive, lumpy head, Mutato was the unfortunate result of genetic experimentation. Though he looks frightful, he is actually kind and gentle, and was eventually saved from an angry mob by Mulder and Scully who somewhat bafflingly take him to a Cher concert where his dream comes true and he dances with the diva. The Monkey Gland was named for a different kind of biological experiment, which involved using actual monkey glands to help increase virility, and it has nothing to do with Cher, but it certainly echoes the Frankensteinian inspiration of “The Post-Modern Prometheus.”
Episode: “Detour” Seen only by their glowing red eyes, the Everglade-dwelling Bark People are mysterious to say the least. While Mulder theorizes that the predatory humanoids could be ages-old Conquistadors who found the Fountain of Youth, there’s really no telling where they come from or what they want. All we know is that those beady red eyes (much like bright red Sangrita shots accompanying tequila) should be treated with caution.
Episode: “The Host” New Jersey already gets a bad rep for its less-than Garden State-like appearance, odd smells and corrupt governor, but to top it all off it was the home of the Flukeman. A genetic mutant, Flukeman lives in the New Jersey sewer system, only occasionally surfacing to find human hosts for its larvae, which it transmits through its bite. There’s only one thing to say if you see the Flukeman: “Adios, motherf***er,” which is exactly what AMF stands for. Dive into its extremely potent, radioactive blue depths and try not to think about the giant parasite that could be living in your pipes.
Episode: “Leonard Betts” According to his mother, “Albert Tanner” died in a car accident. But Leonard Betts is alive and well, thanks to his ability to regrow everything from a severed thumb to a decapitated head to an entirely new body. That sounds cool, but in order to maintain his powers, Betts needs to subsist on a constant supply of fresh cancer. Yum. The Corpse Reviver #2 might not help you regrow a foot, but it will certainly give you new life on a Sunday morning.
Episodes: “Squeeze," "Tooms” Imagine if Stretch Armstrong was alive—and was really creepy and lived for centuries and ate human livers. That’s Eugene Victor Tooms. The limb-extending mutant was the first monster-of-the-week and, according to many, the best. He was so good, in fact, that he even made a second appearance within the first season. Though it won’t stretch through vents, a Scotch and Soda will help you stretch out some tasty whisky. Pair it with some liver and onions, then curl up in your bile-and-newspaper nest and nap for 30 years.
Episode: “Home” When it comes to the Peacocks, only one thing matters: family. The backwoods, incestuous Pennsylvania family will do anything to keep their clan safe, including murder—especially when mama is at risk. Mrs. Peacock is about as far from a tropical Bahama Mama as you can get, but they both have a certain appeal and dedicated fans.
Episode: “Die Hand Die Verletzt” Most substitute teachers are happy to come into a class, put on an educational VHS, and sit back. But not Phyllis H. Paddock. She has other plans in mind when she arrives at Crowley High School (which just happens to be already run by a semi-lapsed Satanic PTA). A demon incarnate, Paddock rips out a teen’s eyes and heart, forces another to commit suicide and takes control of a snake. Her black magic is bitter and her revenge upon the faithless Satanists is sweet, just like a Black Manhattan.
Episode: “Chinga” Don’t believe those innocent, empty blue eyes; Chinga the Doll doesn’t really “want to play.” She wants to kill. While other dollies do things like wet themselves or say, “I love you,” this particular demonic doll can make people hurt and even kill themselves. Not so cute. Similarly the Pink Lady should not be toyed with. It is made with both gin and applejack, and packs quite a kick.
Episode: “Hungry” The redundantly named Rob Roberts tried to curb his cravings with diet pills and Overeaters Anonymous meetings. He tried to hide his horrifying appearance with wigs and prosthetic ears and contacts. But in the end, he just couldn’t deny who he really was: a brain-eating mutant. While Roberts literally erases minds by consuming them, this spritzy take on a Black Russian should ease your mind rather than actually erase it. You’ll need one after staring into Roberts’ cold, black eyes.
Episode: “Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster” A recent addition to the roster of celebrated monsters-of-the-week, Guy Mann is, essentially, a were-human. He is a lizard-man who was bitten by a human and transformed into a man, complete with all of the anxieties of the human condition. His greatest desire is to go into hibernation for 10,000 years and hopefully sleep off his curse. He could certainly do with a Siesta.