Carver Doug's Guitars

While musicians always claim unique, intimate relationships with their instruments, who's to say that, because of their physical similarities, a distracted roadie didn't switch 'em up, and Clapton's been banging Gerry Rafferty's guitar all this time? To avoid that awkwardness, get singular guitars from Carver Doug.

A longtime Valley guy, 63-years-wacky Doug's spent his retirement mod'ing gee-tars into intricate instruments of awesome, with detailing including dragons, naked women, and anatomically correct skulls, all using tools like mallets, gouges, and a 400,000 rpm micro-carver -- so, he's your cool grandpa, except allowed to handle implements deadlier than a robe and slippers. Some of his creations:

The Wangcaster: Made from a Korean Strat ripoff and owned by a Florida guy, this ode to manjunk's got a mushroom-tip headstock, testicular body, and pube'd-up pickguard. (Try playing "Closer to Fine" on it. Just try it.)

Steve Martin's Banjo: A three-year project for Doug's funnyman high-school bud yielded a mermaided body and neck that tells the "history of American War", from the Revolution to the dropping of the first nuke...man, that Steve Martin is still hilarious, isn't he?

The Strat Fink: Based on '50s-era Hot Rod cartoons, this Fender's carved with muscle cars, a sharp-toothed monster, and a guitar-playing rat -- so, Shane McGowan?

Doug always invites custom orders, and his site's regularly updated with works-in-progress; right now, there's a guitar that'll portray the Battle of Iwo Jima, made for a man who already owns an axe of Buzz Aldrin's moon landing -- even though when he's playing it, he's secretly thinking of a guitar with John Glenn on it.